The problem for many parents trying to notice the warning signs of abuse in their teens is that it depends on their own definition of what abuse is and exactly where it begins. Often parents focus on physical abuse while missing the verbal and intimidatory parts of it. In fact, if the abuse has reached a physical stage, it is gone well beyond acceptable, because the abuse would have begun in other quiet and subtle ways way before that. What complicates things even further, is that warning signs are often hidden by teens in situations where their parents might have expressed concerns, or even warned them, about their new dates/partners. In those circumstances, guilt and shame might prevent teens being open about what is actually happening to them while they suffer in silence.
The early warning signs of abuse in your teen's relationship might not be very noticeable unless there is a definite change in the teen's behaviour as early as possible. However, these warning signs seem to have six different elements to them, all linking one another in a never-ending circle: control and isolation, increased communication, change in activities, absence of respect, change in personality and violence. By the time the last element, violence, is reached, the abuse would have become almost routine.
1. Control and isolation
This is the first real sign. Abusers function mainly through control, exercised through possessiveness and jealousy. But to control their 'victim', they have to isolate them from others who might have positive influence on the teen or thwart them in their goal: like parents, family and friends. In fact, some parents would be demonised so as to keep the teens away from them. If your teen starts to spend less time with you or their friends, finds constant excuses why he/she can't visit, hardly calls or comes to see you, especially when they were usually more amenable, those are warning signs that they might be prevented from doing so. Control is also exercised through your teen being told what to wear and when, whether to wear make up or not, the times they should be home and having their movement's curtailed. In effect, your teen's friend will be exercising very strong influence and control over your child through a lack of space, dependency on them and isolation from known nfluences.
2. Increased communication
Communication between your teen and their date will be very pronounced. In an abusive relationship, there will be lots of contact between the couple, especially through texts, phone calls and emails, because one person is usually checking up on the other through a basic lack of trust. Your teen will be often explaining what he/she is doing, where they are and whom they are with, perhaps being harassed and intimated through the phone, if their behaviour is not as expected. Though the couple might be communicating a lot, your teen might actually be fearful of expressing his/her thoughts, perhaps being worried and frightened about how the partner will react to what they say.
3. Change in activities
The next warning signs are more serious. The teen gradually abandons activities they used to enjoy or engage in; perhaps miss college time which would then affect their grades or even become problematic at school. They are likely to believe that their dates 'love' and 'care' for them, so spending even more time together, in their eyes, seems the natural thing to do. But that helps the abuser to take control further by encouraging the teen to give up the activities that keep them involved and away from him/her. Your teen has probably given up things that are really important to them, and the people they really care about. That's a big warning sign, when they suddenly lose interest in what used to be motivating and fulfilling. General performance and grades would have probably fallen as the change in attitude takes effect.
4. Absence of respect
The one thing that is missing in any abusive relationship is respect, because one party ostensibly becomes the 'property' of another in a very unequal relationship, and this usually goes pretty quickly. If your teen is being constantly criticised or put own in your presence, especially in a 'playful' way, he/she is having to apologise and/or make excuses for the behaviour of their mate, if you are aware that the friend has a temper but always seems very calm and well behaved around you, or, even worse, they are having regular arguments in your presence, those are clear warning signs of a lack of respect and certain abuse. Respect will be replaced by fear and anxiety in the teen's situation. But as he/she would not yet have acknowledged the nature of it, perhaps being their very first relationship, or would still be making excuses for it, they wouldn't yet know how to deal with it. Instead, your teen would be trying to take it in their stride as how 'normal' relationships are, how young love treat each other, or even blaming him/herself for what has happened!
5. Change in personality
You know your teen very well. They have been with you since they were conceived. You have instinctive feelings about them and, by now, would have some knowledge of how they would behave. If you sense a change in their personality soon after they meet the other person, and it isn't positive and joyful, something is definitely happening. For example, since your teen began dating this person, they have become angry, frustrated, insecure and even destructive; he/she might not be eating or talking as much and having sleep problems; perhaps they have become more withdrawn and anxious about things and are not as confident and cheerful as before. In fact, your teen might even have frequent changes in moods and occasional emotional outbursts, strong indicators of stress, anxiety and emotional disquiet. They might try to hide it, especially if they are finding it hard to make decisions for themselves, or without involving their date. But sooner or later, their guard will slip.
6. Violence
By the time it has reached this stage, they won't be warning signs anymore, but clear evidence! Your teen would be showing signs of physical abuse like bruises, scratches, scars and discoloured skin: injuries they might be trying to hide, that they can't really explain to you, they seem reluctant to talk about or for which the explanation does not make sense. If not physical violence, then it could be damage to your teen's cherished possessions or surroundings, all signs of the escalating nature of the abuse.
Sensitivity to your teen's situation will first be felt through your instincts, that something isn't quite right followed by the teen's behaviour, which will be influenced by increased insecurity anxiety and fear. It won't be too long before the unmistakable physical signs of something more sinister show themselves.