by Dossie M Terrell

Created on: October 25, 2009   Last Updated: May 29, 2012

Your teen should be advised that true love nurtures and looks for ways to ensure continual growth, it never hurts or stymies. Some may argue that passionate relationships may lead to abuse because of their intensity, but disabuse your teen of that notion. That type of relationship is sick. Obsessive and fanatical behavior have no place in healthy relationships. Healthy romantic relationships have three basic components: consideration for each others feelings, mutual trust, and reciprocated respect. If either of those components is missing in your teen's relationship, he or she is probably being abused.

Parents should not only look for signs of abuse in their daughters, but also in their sons, because abuse is not always physical. Never make assumptions based on gender. If your teen is acting out of character, do not be satisfied with the standard "nothing" when you inquire about their behavior. Keep digging until you discover whether the behavior is because of abuse. Look for the following behaviors or patterns:

Secrecy and withdrawn

If your teen has always acted a certain way and seemingly overnight he or she becomes withdrawn and seeks isolation rather than interact with the family, you should be concerned. Without being intrusive or obvious, start a diary of your teen's behavior to rule out possible hormonal changes. Within a few weeks you should have ample information to engage your teen in a conversation based on facts rather than come at him or her with conjectures or innuendos.

Neglectful of appearance

There may be abuse if your teen stops being interested in how he or she looks or becomes increasingly neglectful of proper hygiene. This may be a sign he or she is attempting to discourage a relationship with their abuser.

Unexplained bruises

If you see skin discoloration, abrasions or or other signs of physical handling and your teen starts to wear long sleeves, be wary. Notice whether your teen's significant other seems overly possessive or demands 24/7 control. Do you sense he or she may be the type who would try to force your teen to do something outside of his or her comfort zone? You should be objective, but be thorough in your assessment.

Emotional and tense

Your teen may go through periods where he or she is more emotional than usual, but if there is rudeness, such as screaming at siblings or at you, and this is not his or her normal behavior, perhaps he or she is in an abusive relationship and this is a way of handling an impossible situation. Again, chronicle the behavior, note interactions between your teen and his or her boy/girl friend and take whatever actions are needed.

Do not malign the abuser no matter how much you might be tempted to do so; instead, remind your teen how much he or she is valued. Tell him or her how much they are loved and how they deserve much more than someone who has the potential to destroy them physically and emotionally.

You have got to make your teen see and feel not only your love, but also the love of the family. Remember, it is not about the abuser, it is about your child and how soon you can get him or her out of the toxic relationship and start to make him or her feel whole again.

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