by Carlson Montour

Created on: October 25, 2009   Last Updated: October 27, 2009

Often, discerning what to do can flow from knowing what not to do. This article is intended to steer the reader away from common ineffective responses and toward responses that may be helpful in setting the stage for a meaningful, productive discussion.

1. Don't react impulsively. Do put down the newspaper, look at your teen and say something like, "Wow, this really caught me off guard. Let me get myself a cup of coffee and we'll sit down and talk. Can I get you something to drink?" While you pour the drinks, take a deep breath and fight the urge to react emotionally.

2. Don't assume your teen has made the wrong decision. Do sit down and ask a non-judgmental, open-ended question such as, "What led you to this decision?". Then listen intently to the answer. Ask clarifying questions to be sure you are understanding what is being said and even what is not being said. Don't worry about agreeing or disagreeing, focus on understanding.

3. Don't ignore the feelings. Do recognize and acknowledge the feelings behind the details. Most arguments result when emotions are revealed and are either not acknowledged or are dismissed. It is vital that you communicate to your teen your understanding of what a difficult decision this must have been for them.

4. Don't assume other options have been explored. Do let your teen know that you realize that this decision was theirs to make, once you are confident you understand the situation. Do explain to your teen that a parent's job is to help their them learn the process of decision making including exploring other alternatives and the potential consequences of each. Other options may still be open.

5. Don't push your own agenda. Do not "awfulize" the situation. The world as you know it is not ending.This is not about you. If your teen quits it is not a reflection on you. It is not about your embarrassment or your insecurity as a parent. Do help him or her look at all options objectively, make a reasonable decision, and carry it through in a responsible way.

6. Don't try to fix the situation for your teen. Do help guide them to their own solution. Allow them to work through this with your support. There is no pride or sense of accomplishment for a teen when a parent unnecessarily solves a problem they are capable of handling on their own.

In summary, teens face many difficult decisions in their complicated lives. Many adults, given the opportunity to return to adolescence, would likely decline the offer. Parents may strengthen their relationship with the teen if they implement the do"s recommended above and avoid the don'ts. It is not easy and mistakes will be made but your teen will respect your for trying.

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