by Geoffrey Schmitt

Created on: October 23, 2009   Last Updated: October 25, 2009

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me. We chanted this verse to break the curse of playmates as children. We repeated it to drown out the nasty names aimed at us precisely because the power of words could break us with more harm and enduring pain than any broken bone.

Some of us may be more sensitive than others. Our armor against the barbs may not protect us as well. Just look at that language. A Barb sounds like some ugly rusty fish hook that sticks in our craw. We take the bait and swallow the negative feedback whole. However, no one is immune to the harmful effects of ugly words.

If you are like me, and most folks, if a hundred people like your performance but one critic cuts you to the quick, your core is wounded and that's the phrase repeating in your mind. Yes words hurt.

Among the worst things we say, are those character assassinations: when we talk about another's personhood rather than their behavior. In simplest form it is You are a bad little boy or girl. This sends the message that you are somehow broken and probably beyond fixing. It is far better to say what you did was bad. It would be good if we could also always remember never to say always and never. I put it that way to underline the difficulty of this advice. You're always lazy and you will never amount to anything, can so easily become a self fulfilling prophesy. It will take lots of positive feedback to overcome those words.

It is said by some, it can take as many as twenty positive statements to make up for one negative. By the way, I was only kidding doesn't count as positive. We don't believe you. If you value our relationship and you hear yourself say I was only kidding, you had better be thinking hard and fast to say twenty-five affirmations the next time we meet. The best way to start is with these words. Memorize them now. I was wrong. I'm sorry. Please forgive me. You might be surprised at how much they soothe.

Most of us don't mean to be mean; although sometimes we are, and sometimes we mean it. Often we are striking back because we hurt not knowing we make it worse not better. Yet, a wonderful thing about human beings is our capacity to become aware. We don't have to just react. We can, although it's hard, step back and reflect before we react. We can choose. We can choose to break the cycle. We can think, You are not a bad person, you are a hurting person behaving badly. We can try to do our part to add twenty and more positives to your day.

I'm sorry you feel that way. If I have offended you maybe we could talk it over and find some common ground.

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