by Caroline Tigeress

Created on: October 23, 2009

I choose to not be fearful of you. I choose to empower myself, to listen to who I am, and who I want to be.
In recent months, while I was ill, you confused me. I came to you for help, for guidance. What I got was a good screaming from day one.
I ask of you, why?
Why is it necessary to communicate with your only child in this method? You claim to have to do this in order to make your point.

Then come the snide sly comments in the hallway to your mate. I am sure he is as terrified of you as once I was.
This is fascinating. One of my best friends once told me I have no fear. Yet, I would point out that most every child has one fear of their parents. The fear of rejection. Over twenty years ago now, I made possibly the ultimate change one can make. You screamed at me then.
In some ways, I cannot blame you. When I think of your mother, her bipolar ways, means and manners, the legendary family stories, it is clear that this is an inherited behavior. Your stepfather was inane, illiterate for the most part. Your biological father drank himself to death, which recently I believed I was doing.
Nevertheless, why then, don't I have it? It is true, I have not mated. I am unable to bear babies. I have slept with both genders and a couple in between. For me that works, to have a number of different lovers. I remember the last person that asked me to marry him. He was wonderful. Sweet. Funny. A bit naive in the ways of the world. You smiled when you met him. You were happy for me, and for a time addressed me in a manner appropriate.
Then, slowly, you reverted. You drew back. I was unsurprised. My lover did not notice at first, but then again, he does not know you as I do.
Being the poison fruit that has fallen from the tree gives me a unique perspective. I have written several things on the subject. It is an underlying theme in my works.
This of course brings me to your codependent mate. A person who is as fearful, as I said, of you as I once was. I am unsure if this is because you two met at such a young age and became starry eyed or what. I once wrote a story specifying exactly where I felt in the relationship of you two. He ordered me to, 'lose' it. As I lose fear, I find my story, my voice. I fell in love with my best friend. Being both of the same gender caused me to stay away. It did not stop me from loving from afar.
So, I write.
I write between drinking binges and shivering in cold hard fear of your sharp tongue. One thing I have learned is not to divulge truly personal things to you. That is sad, really.
So today, I am learning to lose my fear.
I am also learning to lose my addictions.
I once had another fear, of eating myself to death. After dealing with that, and now my current fear of drinking myself to death I understand now it is relative.
It is raining now as the dawn breaks. I can feel it, laying on my bed. I can feel the power of the rain, cleaning me. Cleansing me. Washing my fear away.

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