by Melvin Palmer

Created on: October 22, 2009

In the teen years, the work, love and time you have put into your child has not gone to waste, it has been temporarily shelved. The teen years are marked with arguments, contrariness, and rebelliousness. It is also one of the most difficult times in anyone's life. The smart are separated from the cool, the well to do from the less fortunate and the beautiful from the homely.

The marked difference in parenting is moving from a parent to an adult relationship. What smart parents start to do is to communicate in a way to enable their child to think. Asking open-ended questions like who, what, where and when give the pre-teen and teen an opportunity to think.

Your 16 year old wants to go out with some friends on Friday night. 'Whom are you going with?' 'What are you going to do?' 'Where will you be?' 'When do you want to leave and return?' are the kinds questions that will give you the info you need. If answers aren't clear enough ask more. 'What will you do if you can't get a ride home?' is an example of clarifying how the teen will handle situations that may arise.

Use I statements to see if you can get what you want. 'I need you to be home by 11.' This statement is direct and to the point. Be flexible and stick to your bottom line. Get to it, stick to it and if the teen can't agree to it, they can stay home. If they do agree to your bottom line then make sure they understand what the consequences are, if the agreement isn't lived up to.

Your relationship with your teen is very important. It is a major factor in determining your influence. If you are arguing ever day there is something wrong with your relationship and you may need professional guidance. If you are flexible on many issues and hold firm on important values, you are most likely headed in the right direction. My two sons cut their hair into tri-Mohawks, and dyed it purple. I had to work to keep my mouth shut. The bottom line for me was a completely shaved head, to the skin. I announced we wouldn't be going out to eat until there was a little hair on the head. I didn't make it a big deal, just a matter of fact. The hair came back quickly.

The family headed off to Alaska. We drove to Skagway, caught the ferry and cruised for five days. We had a room with out own beds and bathroom. My teenager complained about the trip several times. I believed him and that was my mistake. When we returned home I overheard a telephone conversation and he was bragging about his great vacation. Ninety percent of what teenagers say needs to be heard and acknowledge. That doesn't mean it is the truth or you agree with it.

I found that my 16-year-old son had been smoking cigarettes. I told him I had smoked and quit. He knew his grandpa, on his mother's side, had smoked and quit. Instead of taking away his pack of cigarettes I merely said, 'I buried my father, I guess I can bury you.' He smoked for a few years and quit.

It isn't easy raising teenagers. They are becoming their own person. Good parenting maintains values like honesty, caring, respect and responsibility, while letting young adults begin to make choices.

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