by Silva Payne

Created on: October 22, 2009   Last Updated: April 15, 2010

We all want what we feel is best for our children. However, sometimes our children disagree. Going to college or on to any further or higher education comes at a point in many teen's lives when they are already feeling overwhelmed by advice and assumptions. A refusal to go to college can be cause by several things, but in many cases it is an assertion of your teen's individuality.

It is easy as a parent to get carried away with what you think your teen wants or should do, based on your own aspirations and not theirs. If you never had the opportunity to further your own education, it is natural to want your offspring to achieve more academically than you were able. If you have been paying into a college fund or savings account since your child was small, and your child knows this, it may feel like a bitter blow when they announce they do not want to go to college. It feels like all the financial sacrifices you have made are being thrown back in your face. There are other ways of seeing their decision than simply a willful refusal.

The first thing to ask when your teen refuses to go to college is, why? Try to sit down with them and have a real discussion, not to convince them that they are wrong, but to simply find out what their reasons are. It may be that they have certain fears about moving to a new city far from home, or a fear of not living up to your, or their own, expectations. It could also be that they do not really know what subjects they want to take, or that they are feeling study fatigue after spending a good portion of their lives already in formal education.

Whatever reasons they give, as a parent you need to listen to them without trying to change their minds at that point. Make sure they know that you are taking on board everything they have said, and that after giving it all some thought, you will want to discuss what options they have at a later (but not too much later) date.

The very worst thing you can do is to tell your teen that they are going to college no matter what they say or do. This will cause your teen to put up all their defenses. Even if they do end up going to college they will resent being there and are unlikely to perform to the best of their ability. Blackmail is also not a good approach to take. By telling your teen that they owe it to you to go because you have saved for years on their behalf for the fees will just add to the pressure that they already feel under.

Approaching the situation with a calm and rational outlook

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