by Dolores Moore

Created on: October 22, 2009

Going back in the mists of time, well, the middle of the 20th century, I recall being ordered to stay away from certain children; they were "badd'uns." Now, that order was like the proverbial red rag to a bull, so I made it my business to cultivate friendships with those allegedly evil banditos. Which is just one of the reasons why people are drawn to the wrong types of friends - because they are forbidden. I imagine that many "children" out there will recognize that scenario. Forbidden fruit is always so much more delicious.

Then we grow up a bit and begin to think for ourselves, rebelling against the adult strictures and warnings. We ignore, or are unaware, that because parents and elders have "been there and done that," they really might know what they are talking about. So here comes another reason to be drawn to the wrong types of friends - it is a bid for independence, a normal part of adolescent rebellion. Add to this the glamor that often surrounds the "bad boys and girls." They are so cool, so anti-establishment, and being friends with them brings kudos. It seems for a while, that getting into trouble, annoying the parents and teachers, flouting the rules, is the way to be different and to assert your personality.

In adult life, we still manage to be drawn to the wrong types of friends. They are those people who do and say outrageous things, who amuse and attract, but who ultimately spell trouble, because they push the boundaries of acceptable behavior. They are basically selfish, but to be pulled along in their wake can be exciting and fun, for a while. Why people are drawn to these types of friends often comes down to a desire to be like them, to be braver, to be less conventional or concerned with the opinions of others. We can live vicariously in their shadows, until realization dawns that these so-called friends are more feared than liked, more selfish than caring.

Another "wrong type of friend" has got to be the over-needy, over-dependent, clinging vine. We may be drawn to these, if we are totally honest with ourselves, because they make us feel better, superior and good about ourselves. "Look at how helpful, caring, indispensable I am," we think. This type of friend is a taker and soon becomes a burden, not easily shed without deep feelings of guilt and unkindness.

Ultimately, we can chose our friends, hopefully based on mutual affection, respect and common interests. For true friends, we would do anything, and they in turn would do the same for us. But being drawn to the wrong types of friends has a complicated, many-faceted dynamic. Is it because we shouldn't, can't, want, or desire to be what we are not, and would like to be? Or is it that we are still that child within, who loves a sense of danger, harbors a spirit of rebellion and is attracted to a touch of wickedness? Perhaps all these issues are parts of the answer to the question of "why are people drawn to the wrong types of friends?"

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