by Russ Vanheel

Created on: October 19, 2009   Last Updated: October 21, 2009

Testament

You are the coldest person I've ever known and the most unaffected. Have there been horrendous events that happened previous to when I knew you causing your heartstrings to turn into icicles only melting too late and remaining frostbitten from that time forward?

In pondering over the reasons for the things you did to me, I've finally come to realize that I'll never know the answers to them. It's painful enough just knowing the enormity of your lies and the bottomless depths you sank to carry them out. Add to that the meticulous planning and your patience equivalent to that of a saint ensuring you did it right. You certainly are a master of manipulation and deceit. You'll likely laugh at me for asking you this question, but tell me PLEASE. Do you take away a sense of pride in all of this?

It was never about love on your part and you never cared the least about me from the start. You wanted what I could provide to your immediate needs and then everything monetary that I had. You could easily see that I was a broken man and wore the desperate, aching need for love like a second set of clothes. More than anything this was probably as repulsive to you as were the rest of my weaknesses. But you immediately knew the exact places in me to prey on and get what you really wanted. You soon told me you loved me and that I was God's intervention-the answer to every prayer you had ever spoken. You plucked at the tender- most places in me and then embraced me when my eyes welled up with tears. The hollow places in me were filled by moments as magical and profound as this that I still can't forget, even now, in spite of how it pains me to remember them. Yet for you it was never that at all

You knew the boundlessness of the immeasurable love I felt for you and that it was sincere. In your careful and methodical manipulations, you preyed on my most tender places, and on my innocence and vulnerability, working effortlessly and without exhaustion. Every spoken word was scripted and your actions a ballet danced out before me. The love I felt for you became a splintered cross, which I still gratefully bore. This you did for the sole purpose of carrying out your impure intentions that were doubtlessly fabricated from the beginning. For this was YOU and what you had been all along, I just couldn't see it until the end. NEVER ONCE did you care about the damage you wrought, damage that had almost become fatal for me. NEVER ONCE did you give a thought for my own survival.

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