by Dr. Susanne Babbel

Created on: October 19, 2009   Last Updated: October 21, 2009

4 Steps to Recognize Internal "Alarm signals":
A Pathway to Forgiveness

Learning to recognize and respond to our internal "alarm signals" which assess every situation and inform us about appropriate reactions to follow, might help us to let go of grudges and to forgive another person.

A woman, whom I will call Laureen, expressed that she noticed getting upset at her friend's comment made a day ago. Time had passed and rehashing their conversation did not seem to be the right solution. She believed that her friend had no intention of hurting her, yet her anger would not subside. Laureen explained that she just wanted to forgive her friend but did not know how.

Forgiveness is accepting what happened in the past and what someone did, not holding on or dwelling on it anymore. Forgiveness does not mean denying important feelings such as anger or sadness. In fact, in order to access forgiveness, connecting and paying attention to anger is often a necessary step. Yet people who have been abused or had poor role models in their lives are often not comfortable with their own anger. Because anger was not safe to express but necessary in the circumstances to suppress, feelings of anger were avoided. Not showing anger could be a conditioned cultural response as well.

Ideally, Laureen would have felt comfortable to talk to her friend and express her feelings, if not immediately, a short time after their encounter. However, she wanted to look at her anger and her difficulty in forgiving. Forgiveness is not an act of kindness for others; it is the coming to peace for ourselves. According to Frederic Loskin's research, holding grudges can negatively impact one's health, whereas forgiveness has beneficial health effects.

With a method called somatic experiencing, Laureen discovered that her friend's comment had triggered Laureen's childhood memories when danger was a reoccurring theme. She discovered that holding on to her anger was a subconscious survival method - an attempt to prepare her for a possible reoccurring "attack." She noticed that her state of anger put her into a fight mode whereas forgiveness would have meant being relaxed and not ready to act. Her session revealed that because her "alarm sensor" did not indicate her hurt and anger immediately, her subconscious decided to hold on to her delayed emotions so that next time she would be ready to protect herself.

Everyone has a built-in alarm system, monitored by the limbic brain, that indicates when we might be in danger

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