by Jester

Created on: October 19, 2009

Many people believe that cats have innate psychic abilities. This belief might date back to ancient Egypt and the cat goddesses Bast and Sekhmet. Or, maybe it was born of more modern times because cats tend to have psychic hallucinations after eating catnip. Either way, when a person asks me how to best judge the psychic capacity of his cat, my first question is always, Does your cat know you're wondering about this? If the answer is no, chances are good that the cat is not psychic. But, if the answer is yes, further investigation is required.

I usually recommend my patented 3-Step Feline Direct Psychic Capacity Test to help people determine the level of psychic ability in their cats. I developed this test several years ago with my friend Scooter who claimed to be the most talented cat-psychic in the neighborhood. I believed him right up until the day a community rescue group caught him and put him in a foster home. (How did he not see that coming?) Be that as it may, he was pretty good at knowing who in the area was going to put out food.

Before you begin the test, close your eyes and take a deep breath. Clear your mind of any extraneous thoughts. Negative thoughts such as, Why does that cat scatter his dry food all over the kitchen? or I wish that cat wouldn't scratch the arm of the couch only serve to block the psychic connection your cat may be trying to make with you.

Step 1: Answer the following question.
Does your cat have a crystal ball, Ouija board or Tarot cards?

If you answered, No to all of the above, quit now. Your cat is not psychic.
If you answered, Yes to any one of the above, move on to Step 2.
If you answered, Yes specifically to the Tarot cards, please write to me and tell me how your cat learned to read.

Step 2: Calling your cat.
Grab a piece of tuna, shrimp or catnip stalk and take a seat on the couch. Summon up as much concentration as you can and, while holding the tuna, shrimp or catnip stalk in the palm of your right hand, silently repeat to yourself, Cat, come see me sitting on the couch."* If your cat does not come into the room, quit now. Your cat is not psychic. If your cat does come into the room, give him the tuna, shrimp or catnip stalk as a reward and move on to Step 3.

Step 3: Make the connection.
Note: You will need the help of a friend for this step. Challenge your cat to a game of Password. Sit across the kitchen table from one another. (Do not let your cat channel the spirit of Allen Ludden. This will give him an unfair advantage.) Have your friend write down a word on a piece of paper and hand it to you. Try to get your cat to figure out what the word is by giving him clues. For example, if the word on the sheet of paper is, litterbox you could start by saying, poop. Your cat may intuit the word faster if you stretch it out into a few syllables and raise your eyebrows and voice a bit. Try saying, poooooooooop? Continue until you've completed at least 18 words, as this will produce a more statistically accurate result by eliminating the probability of chance. If your cat is able to correctly identify more than 83.9753% of the words correctly, congratulations! Your cat is indeed psychic. If he is not able to correctly identify more than 83.9753% of the words correctly, he is not psychic.

But, keep working with him. His paranormal capabilities may just need time to develop. And even if he isn't truly psychic, the two of you can still enjoy watching Medium together every week.

*If you do not have a couch, sit on a chair. But, be sure to say to yourself, Cat, come see me sitting on the chair or it won't be a valid test.

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