by Paula A

Created on: February 13, 2007   Last Updated: October 31, 2008

It is often said that talking about something can help you to move on and let go of what ever is troubling you. A trouble shared is a trouble halved'.

Although this is very true I think you need to find the right person to talk to. When I first spoke to mother about what was happening to me i thought she understood and would get me away from this awful nightmare I had been living, she didn't.

In the years that followed life got worse, not only was I sexually abused but mentally and physically too. I felt so alone, sometimes I wanted to commit suicide but being the stubborn person I am I would not allow them to win and ruin my life forever.

My mother chose not to do anything to help me so I put up with the pain for eleven years, the demoralising acts which were forced upon me, the beatings and the mental torture.

I could only ever grit my teeth and wait for it to be over, all the time I could only ever think this is happening to me but I must protect my sisters, if he ever touches them I will kill him. They were both younger than me and I suppose I took on the role as mother, she didn't protect me but I would do my best to protect them.

The problem with this was that I was then seen as a daddy's girl, the last thing I ever wanted to be, if only they knew the full horror of what was really happening to me.

As I grew up I spent more time with my dad, not through choice but because he was so controlling and manipulative I never had a choice but to go every where with him. This lead to me being even more isolated in the family unit, my sisters became closer and I was the odd one out. Whenever I tried to stand up for myself and say no he would become angry and hit me or just go into a sulk then the atmosphere at home would be unbearable and the rest of the family would say what has she done now.

I have to say I was happy during these times because it meant I was free of the sexual abuse and he didn't speak to me either, sometimes for weeks on end. On the other hand I lived in fear of him coming home in another rage and just beating me for the least little thing, maybe I hadn't moved quick enough to get wood for the fire or I had made a comment he had decided to pick up on. The beatings, although very painful at times were easier than the sex side of things, this was the worst thing of all.

When I was in my twenties I met a lovely man and although my father tried his best to split us up we stayed together behind his back and eventually ran off and got married, this is when I was finally able to stand up and say no for good. I never told my husband about the abuse because I was too scared he would listen and he might judge me and think me dirty, so we carried on having a relationship with my parents for another 18 years until I eventually told him.

I have not seen my parents since, the relief of saying I no longer wanted them in my life, it was great but I lived in fear for a while that my father would turn up one day in a rage and beat me up again and possibly even my husband. The one thing I held onto through those dark days was that I know had someone on my side and I would have the strength to report my father if he hurt me again.

How did I find the courage to finally tell my husband and to rid myself of seeing my parents?

I got professional help, I talked to a counsellor who helped me to see I was not to blame and I had choices.

The talking cure worked for me and countless others and I am sure it can work for you too, please try it you will be surprised at how sharing a problem really does make you feel better. What have you got to lose?

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