by M M Johns

Created on: October 18, 2009

On reflection I know that this decision to commit suicide was taken out of despair. Not the kind of despair felt when something goes wrong in life. I have felt the deep sense of loss of a loved one. I have felt the despair of knowing that I would never see them again, the gut wrenching, heart-breaking kind of grief that hurts physically. At the time I vowed that I would never feel like that again. I had, as everyone has, the feeling that the heart is literally breaking, that it would impossible to survive the loss. But this was different. I did not feel any sense of loss, any grief, any pain. It was the despair born of the inescapable fact that nothing could be done, there was no tomorrow. I suppose that was the worst part I could not see any tomorrow. There would not be a tomorrow and that was a good thing, as far as I was concerned. It is very hard to try and describe these feelings, the fact that there was absolutely and definitely no future, no hope, no escape from the present. I knew there was to be no more joy or happiness in my life. It actually was that simple. There was even a feeling of despair which I had felt before. It was an emptiness, a void, in which I was floating. There was no umbilical cord holding me to reality, to reason.

There was no emotion attached to this decision. I wanted to write a note to try and explain why I was going to do this. Further I didn't want anyone to blame themselves for my taking my life. This was paramount in my mind. I imagined that a few people would regard themselves badly because they didn't see it coming. I tried to explain that they couldn't have seen it coming. I hadn't, at least not until 16h00 that day. The note turned into five pages as I endeavored to cover as much as I could. I know that I said in it that I missed a lot of people and by doing this I would be reunited with them. I believe it was concise and well written. I signed the note and put it on my bedside table. It was 17h25 when I finished this and I resolved to do the deed at 18h00. The old habit of setting a deadline was still prevalent. Funny the way habits take over even in the worst of circumstances.

Sitting, as I finished the second beer and another cigarette I thought what I might do to minimize the mess that would made at the moment of death. The only things I had were towels and I decided to wrap myself in them when I went to bed. I also opened the windows to vent the rooms. As I finished I checked the quantity of pills. I knew that

• 1
• 2
• 3
• Next Page >>