by Cynthia Tavares

Created on: October 17, 2009   Last Updated: November 12, 2009

I'm standing frozen in the living room. The afternoon sunlight is desperately fighting to break through the drawn chocolate brown curtains. Stale smoke lingers throughout the house as cigarette butts overflow from every ashtray in sight. My baby sister is crying relentlessly from her crib in the bedroom that we share down the hall. I don't know what to do. I am 4. She has to be hungry because I am. It seems as if we hadn't eaten in days.

On top of the refrigerator is a bag of potato chips. I scale the counter tops, thinking that if I crumble them up small enough, her little toothless mouth could eat them. As I almost reach the bag of chips, I lose my footing and fall. I'm not hurt but I stay very still, listening to see if I had awoken my mother. I didn't. I don't think anything really can. Between her alcohol, and the company of her boyfriends while my dad was at work, her bedroom is her secret club house where we are not allowed. My dad is a building inspector who frequently travels for days on end, while inspecting commercial buildings throughout California.

The potato chip idea did not materialize, but I have a plan B. There is an apple tree in the backyard. Maybe I could mash an apple. As I climb the tree, I see a perfectly red apple. I reach my little arm out to pluck it. Just as I have this shiny apple in my hand, I hear her.

"Get your ass down from there NOW!"

I snap my head toward her as my concentration is broken. I instantly begin to panic because I feel as if this is our one chance to eat and she is ruining it. Yet, I obediently begin a dissent from the tree.

"Get your ass over here".....

My heart rate skyrockets and I am feeling flush. My jaw tightens and my mouth begins to water as if I am about to throw up. The second I am in arms reach, she grabs my upper arm and brings me to the garage. I hear my sister still crying and I am thinking "She needs me! Let me go". My breathing is shallow and anxious.

My mother says to me "You will stay in here until you can be a good girl", as she shoves me into the cold garage and slams the door. Darkness. There is just enough light from the small windows in the garage door to convince me that the "Boogie Man" is not in there with me.

I hear a man talking on the other side of the door. I am hoping that it is my Daddy. I then hear the man laughing. It isn't him. My dad would never allow this to happen. He would never let her put me in here.

It seems like an eternity, and my mother finally retrieves me from the

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