by Michael Frissore

Created on: October 17, 2009

While I'm not a woman, I do play one around the house when my wife is out of town. And I have been on plenty of speed dates with men while dressed as Maude or Lillian Munster, so I know a thing or two about asking men fun and exciting questions. I use the word exciting because it's important to rapid fire these questions. You only have so many minutes. Usually by the time he's come around to answering the first question, I'm shooting another one at him like a detective.

The first question I always ask is, "Didn't you think that speed dating meant there'd be some crank at this thing?" By then, he gets the idea that you're a party girl. So you can ask him if he's an alcoholic. I mean, why not go to a bar to meet women? What is it about him that makes him think short, quick doses of him are best?

While he's trying to answer these questions, you can ask him if he would have issues dating a nymphomaniac. Then start looking around the room and ask him if he knows of a place where you and he can be alone for five minutes.

If he starts getting uncomfortable, that's when to ask him if he's a homosexual. Ask him if his family knows. Ask if he was molested as a child. No matter how many times he denies it, keep with the gay questions. Ask him what his favorite Barbra Streisand song is. Does he think gays should be allowed to marry? Did he watch Will and Grace?

If he grows tired of your homosexual allegations you should then start asking him trivia questions. Movies, rock music, presidents. Ask him how many cans of beer there are in a six pack. Whatever you can come up with off the top of your head, but it might help to write a list of about 500 questions beforehand and produce it after you've introduced yourself. Then he knows he's in for a long - what is it? - eight minutes.

Ask him how often he calls his mother and why he doesn't call her more often. Or does he still live with his parents? You do, don't you? Repeat that three or four times, then point at him and laugh and tell the entire room, This guy still lives with his parents!

Then break down and cry and ask him to hold you.

If he does, ask him to marry you.

If he says yes, run.

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