by Michael Frissore

Created on: October 16, 2009   Last Updated: October 17, 2009

If American Idol and presidential elections have taught us anything it's that there's nothing more important than being liked. But how do you do it? How do you get people to like you? Handing out money helps, but not everyone has cash to burn and give away to random strangers all the time.

One trick is to be attractive. People enjoy pretty people. Pretty people especially enjoy other pretty people. So if you're unfortunate enough to be one of the unattractive people, consider something like plastic surgery or a paper bag to make others like you. Just don't go too far and be overly attractive. There's a fine line between being liked and being stalked. And there's such a thing as being too likeable. So just know when to turn on the looks and when to dull yourself down.

If you're like me and were beaten a little too hard with the ugly stick, there's a second way to likeability: be funny. All the world loves a clown. Just look at Bozo, Krusty and John Wayne Gacy. Being amusing will almost always get people to like you. Start by carrying around a whoopee cushion and one of those handshake buzzers and you'll surely make more friends than you'll know what to do with or even want. You won't get any women. Those will always go to the attractive men. But people will want to stick around and hear what you'll say next, you silly goose.

Now, if you're completely desperate, one surefire way to be liked is to die. Everyone speaks well of you after you die, whether you're Michael Jackson or the drunken, molesting uncle everyone used to hate. People will start liking you and even pay thousands of dollars for your artwork. It's foolproof unless you happen to be claustrophobic because that coffin can be awfully tight.

But if you're not keen of dying, then they say a smile is a sure thing. Let a smile be your umbrella. A smile a day keeps cancer away. Whatever the saying actually is, if you smile at people, they'll either like you or think you're creepy. And really, what's the difference? You know what a lot of people like? Smoking. Do you want to be the human equivalent of smoking? I didn't think so.

Lastly, when all else fails and you've handed out all the money you have, you've smiled yourself sore, or you're just not funny or good looking, physical violence is usually the answer to any question. If people know that doing otherwise will get them punched in the stomach, they'll at least pretend to like you. They won't have a choice.

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