by K-Nicole

Created on: October 16, 2009   Last Updated: October 17, 2009

I recently attended a workshop entitled: Children and Divorce. This class was a complete eye-opener on the effects of an ending marriage for the children involved. It inspired me to share the tips and information that I learned.

The teacher's goal was to enable the separating parents to establish a 'co-parental' role for the child or children and to encourage both parents to communicate with the children. This role is to be without anger and bitterness towards one another and focus solely on the child(ren) and their feelings. To 'co-parent' does not require the couple to rekindle their relationship by any means.

The child(ren) within this 'broken' marriage is going through a lot of grief and pain. Many parents turn the divorce into a horrible battle and forget about the children's emotional and psychological changes. The child must cope and surpass many stages of grief. With the parents bickering amongst themselves about who gets the properties or the amount of spousal maintenance, the child is often left to deal with these traumatic experiences alone. Or worse, used as a pawn to merely achieve items or money from the opposite adult.

The focus should be about your children despite any major conflicts that may have caused the marriage to fail. The biggest and most common pain a child of divorcing or divorced parents may feel is responsibility for the marriage ending. You should take every effort to ensure your child that they are in no way the reason for the failed marriage. The parents do not need to go into great detail as to why the two parents are splitting up. Simply letting your child know there was nothing that could have been done by them to prevent it from happening is extremely important. This assurance will need to be repeated numerous times throughout conversations with your child.

Children of divorced parents may also fear the loss of both parents. They may experience anxiety thinking, since one parent has left that the other is sure to leave also. This especially occurs with an absent parent, when they no longer come around or maintain contact with their child. With constant reassurance, the child can grow to trust that the sole parent will not abandon them. However, if this fear is not attended to, the child may establish trust issues which may alter their relationships with others in the future.

The most important of the rules for parents is to remember to focus on the child or children within the relationship. They are having their world completely rearranged and may experience many more changes and emotions than the parents may realize. Although the two partners are no longer together as husband or wife, they will always remain parents to that child. Hopefully they will never forget that and continue to put the child first. Communication with the child is exceptionally beneficial. Undivided attention at eye level with the child ensures them you are paying attention and truly care about their feelings. Parents should also know if they are unable to establish good communication with their child, seeking help from the community is acceptable as well as encouraged.

Divorce is hard on all parties involved, whether they choose to admit it or not.

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