Domestic Violence-Prevention and awareness

The woman asks her partner a simple question, needs to talk to her partner about his behavior towards her, or simply needs to discuss something that is important to her. The response she gets? Instant anger (The abuser goes from 0-100 in 1 second flat), he rages (Screams and yells), he threatens her in every way possible (Threats of physical violence, threatens to leave or throw her out of the house, threatens to harm her beloved pet or her children), intimidation (Threatening words, looks, gestures, or violence), manipulation (Manipulating her emotions-she is mocked by him, mimicking her emotional response from his abuse, laughs outright at her pain further causing her more emotional pain), he calls her awful degrading names, he blames her for his rage and violence (He tells her that she made him say or do what he just said or did), and he twists things around and denies his abuse towards her. She is left stunned, confused, afraid for her personal safety, feels like she is loosing her mind, her self esteem is shattered, she is anxious and feels sick to her stomachtrying to make sense of what just happened. She struggles to figure out how she can word her questions or concerns differently the next time so she can avoid her partner's emotional and physical abuse.

What is Domestic Violence?
Domestic violence, sometimes called battering, relationship abuse, or intimate partner violence, is a pattern of behavior used to establish power and control over another person through fear and intimidation, often including the threat or use of violence. Domestic violence is a crime that can include physical abuse, emotional abuse, economic abuse, and sexual abuse. Batterers use threats, intimidation, isolation, and other behaviors to maintain power over their victims. Domestic violence impacts everyone, regardless of income, race, ethnicity, sexual orientation, or religion. Thirty percent of Americans say they know a woman who has been physically abused by her husband or boyfriend in the past year (Lieberman Research, Inc., Tracking Survey conducted for The Advertising Council and the Family Violence Prevention Fund, July-October 1996). Domestic violence also affects same-sex relationships and men as victims. Taken from: Safe horizonMoving victims of violence from crisis to confidence. http://www.safehorizon.org/pag e.php?nav=snb&page=domesticviolence&gclid=CMWOivrItZ0CFRBM5QodQG_i jg

Domestic violence is a very serious issue that affects primarily women. In 2001 it was reported that 85% of victims of domestic violence were women, with the remaining 15% being men. Too many people turn a blind eye when it comes to domestic violence, afraid to get involved. Too often people tend to want to protect the reputation of the perpetrator of abuse-while thinking nothing of shunning or labeling the victim of abuse as crazy and a liar. It's so much easier to turn a blind eye and sweep the issue under the rug than it is to face what is actually taking place and do something about it. This only allows the abuser to continue to abuse his partner and gives him an even greater sense of power as he feels that he is above the law.

A lot of women return to their abusive partners over and over-as the abuser is a master at manipulation, pairing 'seemingly' kind acts in between acts of abuse and violence which is confusing to the woman as she starts to think that maybe this time he has changed- a lot of women trapped in abusive relationships have no family support to turn to as they have come from abusive/ unsupportive families-it is not uncommon for a woman to attempt to leave the abusive relationship several times before finally finding the strength from within -resisting the abuser's attempts to pull her back in- leaving for good.

Many women are afraid to call the police for help, fearing further abuse from her partner. Because of this a lot of domestic violence goes unreported and this is a tragedy.

Abusive personalities can smell a victim of abuse and gravitate towards this person as abusive personalities have a need to dominate, control and abuse. They themselves have probably been a victim of abuse as 'abuse' is a 'learned behavior'. It is very typical for a male to become the abuser and the female to become the victim of abuse. This is not always the case, but it usually is. The way males are raised in abusive families is to 'teach the woman a lesson', 'show her whose boss' and throw his weight around with physical violence with his father setting the example. Females raised in abusive families are taught to be submissive, do what they are told, and often times witness their mother being physically and verbally abused.

It is also important to mention that abusers don't suffer from 'a loss of control' like they claim, again blaming the victim justifying the abuse by claiming: 'she pushed my buttons'. If this were the case then the abuser wouldn't be able to control himself in ANY situation that made him angry (Or when someone pushed his buttons) -but he is, he does not show this side of himself to his boss at work, or around friends. He saves this for the one he feels he can control-his partner, behind closed doors. No surprisingly, he is able to suddenly gain composure (Just after abusing) as soon as one of his buddies calls, or friends unexpectedly showing up. In the event that the police are called, upon arrival they will witness the victim emotionally distraught and hard to calm down, while the abuser is cool as a cucumber.

The abusive personality/ abuser will do anything to maintain power and control. This means he will lie about you and your relationship. He will not take any responsibility for his own actions or behaviors. This is a common trait in abusive personalities. He will deny his behavior, rationalize, guilt- trip, play the victim, vilify the victim, play the servant role, project blame, shame the victim, and minimize the abuse-he will tell others that you are unstable, crazy, a liar and try to make you look like the one that is abusive-basically whatever he has to, to shift the focus from his behavior or from taking any responsibility for his behavior. When he realizes that you may be seeking support and telling others of his abusive ways he will really step up his lies and deceit of what he is doing to you. He will stop at nothing to get what he wants which is complete and total controlrefusing to take any responsibility for his actions, and absolutely does not want to face the consequences for his actions. The abusive personality works extremely hard to make sure that no one knows how he is to his partner behind closed doors. This leaves his partner/victim feeling very alone.

Often times friends and neighbors will question why the woman puts up with the abuse and doesn't just leave. As I mentioned above, many times the woman has come from an abusive upbringing, thus predisposing her to a life of violence (She has been conditioned to accept abuse as normal), and many times the woman has no supportive family to turn to. Pleaseif you know of a friend or neighbor who is experiencing domestic violence, offer support and don't wait for her to ask for it. A lot of women find it hard to reach out for support because of feelings of shame, fearing that no one will believe them.

The cycle of violence:

-Abuse (Verbal, emotional, physical, and sexual, etc)

-Guilt (The abuser feels guilt because he is afraid of being found outnot at the fact that he has hurt someone he claims to care for)

-Excuses (You made me do it, I have never been like this with anyone elseonly you, I had a bad day, etc)

-Normal behavior (Acting like nothing happened the night before, acting as if no abuse occurred, acting like the caring person he claims to be)

-Fantasy (The abuser fantasizes about how he will abuse his victim once again focusing on what he feels she has done wrong and wishes to make her pay)

-Set up (The abuser will create a scenario where he feels justified in abusing her again*he will ask his partner to do something for him but will fail to tell her that she has to do it in a certain way or by a certain timethus justifying in his mind that abusing her for this is ok)

If you are a victim of domestic violence or abuse, please seek support so that you don't have to suffer alone. Below are some helpful links if you are in an abusive and controlling relationship. It is NEVER ok to be abused. Find your inner strength and personal power and take back your life.

National Domestic Violence Hotline:
1-800-799-7233 or
TTY 800-787-3224
Calls Are Anonymous

Signs & Symptoms of Abusive Relationships

http://www.helpguide.org/menta l/domestic_violence_abuse_type s_signs_causes_effects.htm

Domestic Violence

http://www.domesticviolence.or g/

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