Since I was a child I have had a phobia about giving birth. The very idea of squeezing out a baby made me weak at the knees and queasy in the stomach. I would often ask other mothers what it was like to give birth. One of the most common replies ran something along the lines of: "It was very painful but once you see your baby, you forget all about the pain."
When I was pregnant with my first child, I heard two very different accounts from my mother in law and my mother.
According to my mother in law, giving birth was like going to the toilet and having a big poop. She didn't believe in epidurals or inductions. "Let it happen naturally," was always her motto. A formidable woman, my mother in law gave birth to her first baby (my husband) in six hours. It was quite a feat when you consider the fact that my husband was a very large baby, in breech position, and my mother in law delivered him naturally.
According to my mother, giving birth was the most agonising pain she had ever endured. When she was in hospital with me, she kept having flash backs of delivering my brother, and she had never been more scared in her life. Obviously she couldn't "forget all about the pain".
Many friends who had had babies before me had a wealth of advice to offer as well. Some were dead set against having an epidural and others were all for it. Given the mixed set of advice I received, I left myself open to the option but opted to avoid it if at all possible. I confess I was also under a little pressure to avoid taking the epidural since my only two supporters at the hospital - my husband and my mother in law - were against the idea.
The day before my due date, the doctor checked my cervix and informed us that my baby was going to be late. With a tightly closed cervix and hardly any descent of the baby, he expressed grave doubts that my baby would arrive naturally within the next two weeks. His recommendation was to have an induction. Because my baby was large, he advised against waiting another two weeks as it would increase my likelihood of requiring a caesarean section. Although our initial desire was to avoid an induction, we heeded the doctor's advice.
Despite having an induction, it took some 41 hours after the insertion of the pill before my baby was born. During which time, my resolve not to have an epidural crumbled into nothingness and I was begging for an anaesthetist between body wrecking gasps of pain. Throw in the fact that I was on a liquid diet since my last meal before the induction (I think the nurses didn't want me having any bowel movements during the delivery), I doubt I would have had the will power to fight a fly. Even my husband, who witnessed my suffering, changed his views on the epidural and was insisting that I take it.
In retrospect I am glad I took the epidural. It was another 18 hours after the epidural was inserted before my baby was delivered. I am not sure that I would have had the energy to push the baby out had I opted not to have the epidural. As it was, by the time the real contractions began, I hardly had the strength to push the baby out. Despite my initial desire for non-intervention from the doctor (no suction, no forceps, no caesarean), I was only too grateful for his assistance when he offered to help me deliver the baby using suction.
It is said that our deliveries generally tend to be more like our mother's experiences and I guess it is true. To this day, my mother in law cannot understand why my delivery took so long or why I felt it necessary to opt for an epidural. My mother, whom I have never really shared any personal moments with up until now, is probably the only person who intuitively understood what I went through.
What I have since learned about giving birth is that:
- the experience is different for every woman.
- you cannot compare yourself to another woman or her experiences.
- the only experience you are most likely to identify with is your mother's.
- you should not feel more or less of a mother just because you needed or didn't need the epidural or pain management.
- the only advice that really counts is your doctor's professional recommendation.
Anything and everything else you hear is moot.