by Jesse James

Created on: October 14, 2009   Last Updated: October 17, 2009

Rain is lightly splashing on the pavement outside the window. The murmur of conversation in the background in the dim lit coffee shop keeps me inclined to have my own music on. Sitting here it's as if I'm almost suspended in time. People all around are continuing on with their life. I feel like time has stopped for me. I'm in the last place I want to be, so it's as if everything stops moving in my world.

My heart is across the country, but my physical body heavily holds me here. Walls seem to be built up around me, allowing for no escape. Every time a glimpse of an opening appears, up goes another blockade as quickly as I spotted it. Why am I stuck? I feel like my hands and feet are tied and I'm struggling furiously. The trees turning a blazing orange and violent red tell me that the season is pushing on without my consent. This was not what I planned. Then again, nothing seems to go as planned anymore.

Sometimes I am convinced that we should all have our soundtrack to life playing in the background. There are some songs that so completely capture the moment, without them, the intensity of life almost seems diminished. Yet, I guess if we all had soundtracks, we'd all need headphones. All the soundtracks would be playing and interrupting each other. Songs of different tempos and rhythms would create chaos and become just a nuisance of background noise. They would lose their importance. I find that songs soothe my soul. No matter what mood, there is always some melody that can correspond so completely that it brings me to tears. How can a simple set of notes so beautifully capture this feeling from within? Honestly, there are days that I would be lost if I didn't have my soundtrack. It can provide strength, comfort, even power. There are days when I feel like the world is intentionally against me. When I have to find the littlest bit of strength within myself to push on. The right combination of songs can elevate that power to leave me hovering just above the ground. I feel unstoppable.

Not today though. No uplifting, or inspiring music today. Today the sultry voices of acoustic songs soothe my aching soul. Today I sympathize with the heartache. Even the sad weather sympathizes. So, here we all sit together wondering when the sun will shine again. Maybe tomorrow the returning sun will warm my soul back life. But today, I enjoy the lull because I know that it too shall pass, just ask quickly as it came. Then I can always look back and say how even though life got rough, I survived. I do know I will survive and that I will be stronger. I do know I will soon find the strength to beat through this. But for right now, I want to feel the pain. Because I know if I don't feel the pain, then I can't ever truly appreciate the love.

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