by LJ Innes

Created on: October 14, 2009

Of all the annoying things I can find to complain about, and I can find plenty, I would have to say that the one thing I find the most annoying is the telephone calls I sometimes receive from my boss' business associates.

I don't mind when people ask me for favors like emailing them documents, or making appointments for them, but when they ask me to utilize my psychic abilities for their personal benefit, I draw the line.

"Good afternoon, Mr. Smith's office."

"Yeah, this is JB, let me talk to Bob."

"I'm sorry Mr. BJ, Bob is on his other line."

"It's JB, JB Winterbury!"

"Hello, Mr. Winterbury."

"So can I talk to Bob?"

"I'm sorry Mr. Winterbury, Bob is on the other line, would you like him to call you back?"

And then, always, inevitably, sure as sunshine, they'll say, ...

"Do you know how long he's going to be?"

If you've ever asked someone this question, I ask you please, think about what you're asking. When you pick up the phone to call Aunt Betty, do you put a time limit on it, and even if you did, would you strictly adhere to that schedule? Even a scheduled conference call can shut down early, or last an extra hour, how the heck could I possibly know the answer to this frustratingly, irritatingly, puts bugs in my brain question.

I don't even care anymore. Recession or not, I give up. If this is what life at work is going to continue to be, I need a new life. I reply with either a long bout of silence, hoping the caller is pausing to ponder his "duh" moment, or I retort with a witty, whimsical voice, while being as condescendingly sweet, yet equally annoying as possible:

"I'm sorry, I forgot my crystal ball at home, and without my tools of divination, I don't stand a chance of even guessing how long he'll be on the phone."

That one usually ends with them hanging up on me. Did I tell you I really don't care anymore?

I like to play with people on the phone. It takes creativity, willpower and resilience. I personally think it should be an Olympic sport. She aims, she shoots, she scores! I like to think of myself as the Annie Oakley of phone conversations.

When someone calls my boss' office and I know he's a salesman or someone my boss is trying not to speak to, that's when I really get to use my telephonic powers. Annoying callers are just cannon fodder for a quick-witted assistant with an attitude. Yes, you have now annoyed me beyond all of my limits, and now I'm going to push you to yours. The trick is to do it so professionally that you always leave them wondering if you're being serious or not.

If you push someone a little too far, they will inevitably ask you for your name, rank and serial number. Sometimes I like to use fake names, or names that I've heard on TV that have struck me as funny.

"What is your name?"

"Lynn."

"Lynn what?"

"Guini!"

"Lynn Guini? Are you trying to be funny?"

"Are you making fun of my name?"

(I got that from "Everybody Loves Raymond")

Another annoying thing that some people do when they call is to say, "It's me!"

"Mr. Smith's office, good afternoon."

"Hi! It's me!"

"Oh My God! Where have you been? I've been trying to reach you for an hour? Do you know what that dog of yours did to my brand new shoes this morning? He chewed the crap out of them, that's what. You're buying me a new pair of shoes! I told you that I didn't want that dog in my house!"

"Hello?"

"Oh! Who is this?"

"It's me, Winston Smoker"

"Oh, I'm so sorry Mr. Smoker. When you said 'It's me,' I just assumed you were my husband."

"Can I talk to Bob?"

"I'm sorry again Mr. Smoker, but Bob isn't in the office today. Can I take a message?"

Call me!

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