Halloween Date From Hell

I was sick of chopping creatures

I was tired of making broth

Filled with bleedin' legs of frog

And flaky wings of moth

So bought 'The Undead Times' last week

And clawed the classifieds

To find a date for Halloween -

an ugly one who's died!

Being the busiest time of year

The list was not the most -

A mischief-seeking goblin,

A bored, retired ghost

A confused and lonely werewolf

Who couldn't do full moons

A vampire who'd prefer to not

Do sunny afternoons

A pumpkin-monster longed for

Air-heads with a grin

A skeleton after good times

With slim girls thin on skin

I was just about to give up

But there on the next page

Was a gorgeous, grotesque zombie

Thirteen times my age

My wrinkly heart began to beat

His search was for a hag!

With warts and boils and super-nose

Who liked to dress in rags

It couldn't be more perfect

We met All Hallows Eve

But when he kissed my veiny hand

His arm fell from his sleeve

As I bent down to pick it up

He tried a quick embrace

And accidently bashed my boil

Which burst upon his face

Silence first but then we laughed

It echoed in the doom

He dragged me to the picnic

He'd laid out on his tomb

We crunched on bats and vultures' beaks

He said he'd been a killer

But even better, he'd appeared

In Michael Jackson's Thriller

He lunged at me with fat lips

Then licked my warty chin

He stroked my wiry, bracken hair

And nibbled my old skin

A love like this I'd never known

He lurched me to my door

He soaked me with a goodnight kiss

His tongue fell on the floor

The local kids all screamed and cried

But I'd too much to do

I invited in my juicy hunk

To taste my special brew

He grunted to the kitchen

The cauldron bubbled hot

I stroked his chest, then shoved him

With all the strength I'd got

Well I'm sick of chopping creatures

I'm tired of making broth

But zombies are much easier

'Cos their bits just fall off

No fiddly scraps of moth or frog

No complicated spell

Just a gristly, grisly Halloween stew

A match sure made in hell!

Learn more about this author, Mark Bird.
Click here to send this author comments or questions.

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