by Carmel Brulez

Created on: October 12, 2009   Last Updated: October 13, 2009

Remaining friends with your spouse after a divorce is very important, particularly if you have had children together and need to see each other, or at least keep in touch because of them.

If you harbour bitterness or resentment over what has happened you cannot move on. The best way to move forward is to think only of the future and forget the past. Let all of the arguments, recriminations, upsets and scenes fade into the background like a bad dream. Do not think of your ex spouse as your ex, think of them as your new friend. If your new friendship begins on 1st January only think of the relationship in terms of that day and onwards. Otherwise you will be forever nitpicking, arguing or bringing up the past... which cannot be changed anyway! Do not pour negative energy into pointless discussions, accusations or arguments. Put effort into getting along with them. When necessary compromise on the things that you do not see eye to eye over.

Rather than get upset that the marriage has ended look upon this as a new friendship starting. Perhaps your spouse will turn out to be the best friend you ever had! They know you far better than your other friends do so they have a head start in understanding you and getting on with you. Now that you are no longer living with them 24 7 you can enjoy time with them without the constant pressure of being bored by them or having arguments with them.

If it was YOU that ended the marriage this may be easier to do. You may feel quite calm about your decision to end this marriage. And very happy to be on your own or with your new partner now. If it was your ex spouse who ended the relationship or caused you to want to end it, then it may be more difficult to be nice to them. What will help is that you are no longer living with them where you see them every day. You will only be having contact with them in small doses. If they annoy you you can stay away for a while, concentrate on your new partner, children or friends, and not speak to them until you feel calmer again. Do not be tempted to ask them to try again. Whatever spoilt the marriage first time around is there there to haunt you if you get back together. Make a life for yourself away from your ex spouse. See friends and get interests so that you do not miss them and get used to not being in the relationship with them.

If you ended the relationship and your ex keeps on about you to see them again or give them another chance remind them nicely WHY you ended the marriage in the first place. Insist that you do care about them but that marriage or living with them would not work. Show them by the way you behave and talk to them that your friendship is worthwhile. Get them to see that they are far better off with it than without it.

If your ex tries to argue or pester you play it cool. Do not rise to the bait and argue back. Do not give them lots of time. This is what they want. Be polte and cool and laid back and busy. They will get fed up with it then.

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