by Susan Allen

Created on: October 12, 2009

My parents lived a totally different reality. They were married and expecting a child when they were my age. I want them to understand my struggles. These words of a 24 year-old young woman speak volumes. So do these words, spoken by a mom of a 26 year-old young man: We don't know how to be parents now. We don't know what we're supposed to do. Clearly things are not as they used to be. Mothers and fathers worry about their son's mysterious lifestyle, about their daughter's poor eating habits, about drug and alcohol use, about out of control spending and astounding debt. Our sons and daughters are living with all these challenges, and more, in the years between high school or college and the time they turn 30.

Twenty-somethings are getting jobs, losing jobs, falling in love and falling out of love, living away and moving back home. They are self-sustaining in some ways, and dependent in others. They are living in both extended adolescence and early adulthood. It is taking longer for our kids to grow up than it used to. In 1960, 65% of men and 77% of women had finished school, left home, gotten married, had a child, and reached financial independence by the age of 30. In 2000, only 31% of men and 46% of women had done the same by the same age.

Tens of thousands of young men and women are struggling to live independently, to take good care of their bodies and their minds, and to develop and maintain healthy relationships. Many are doing well by most standards, with steady incomes, solid social supports, healthy family relationships, and perhaps a committed relationship or even a child of their own. Others seem unmoored, without committed work, partners or homes. Still others are struggling to live with financial debt, serious mental health issues, eating disorders, unhealthy relationships, and addictions. The spectrum of lifestyles is broad, and the range and depth of emotional experience is great.

Here we are in the 21st century, and the questioning, even rebellious sons and daughters of the 60's and 70's have brought up their own families with different rules, less discipline, a new language, and more open communication. For many middle class families, the concept and practice of "choice" has become central to how life is lived and taught. Children today have been given thousands of choices to ponder - from which cereal, to which summer camp, to which jeans, to which college. At the same time they have grown up with the pressures of air-brushed celebrities

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