by Wylee McCutchen

Created on: October 11, 2009   Last Updated: October 15, 2009

It's times like this that take me back to years ago when my world changed for me forever. A time that stole the ending of my youth and forced me face first into a life of adulthood-holding back no boundaries. I yearn for that youth some days. I yearn to have the things that I think should be mine, and I become selfish in my heart. But I tell no one. I hold back the hurt and fear of something so devastating that to this day, I wake in the middle of the night with cold sweats pouring forth from me. I guess that is the good things about journals. You can write everything you want down, and no one has to know it is your thoughts, your dreams, your sins, the very things that could break your soul. I guess that's why I wish to write about it.

It all started around ten years ago. I was a teenager, had the good things going for me. I lived in a huge two story house with my bedroom in the top front of the house with a balcony overlooking our yard and the main road that leads through town. I had plenty of friends, family, my own car, my first love, dogs, and a yearning for life that was unquenchable. I was still in school at the time, and believed that I was invincible. Nothing could harm me, or anyone I loved.

Nothing serious anyways.

When I was 18, my world started caving in on me, and fast. My mom and dad came home one day, my mom in tears-crying almost hysterically. Worry carved itself into my face as I asked her what was wrong. "You're father's got cancer," she blurted out between tears. I looked at my father-tall, strong, handsome father-walk across the yard towards the house. I remember my mind going blank, like it was unreal, it wasn't true. Not MY dad! Dad came into the house to comfort Mom, and I rushed out the door. I needed a friend, I needed someone, ANYONE who could talk to me and tell me it wasn't real. I found out my first love was at a girls house, (a girl I didn't like), and was watching movies. My heart pressed itself into me like it was going to tear through my chest and take off running! I went to a friend's house to talk. He was kind, sweet, gentle. Reassured me, held me, took care of me, though I can't remember crying. Looking back I can see where at the time, to others, I may have truly seemed like a drama queen. But the fact is, I was scared.

A couple of weeks later, my love broke up with me. My father told me everything would be okay, that first loves were like a bad dose of the claps, you never truly got over it. Dad could always make me laugh.

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