by Denise Murphy

Created on: October 11, 2009

Living with regrets after losing a loved one is a harsh reality for many bereaved loved ones even if the death was expected but even harder to accept when the death was a total surprise. Grief moves in stages and in many instances will repeat a stage such as rage, crying jags and depression. In my case of the sudden loss of my eldest brother my grief turned into resentment, rage and physical violence.

My eldest brother was recently diagnosed with colon, stomach and liver cancer in the Omaha Veteran's Hospital in Omaha, Nebraska in late June of 2009. It was terminal cancer. He didn't even make it to his first chemo treatment. He died at home twelve days later. I was on my way home to see him and he died while I was in route. I travelled for four hours with the knowledge that my brother had died without getting to say our goodbyes. I was devastated. If I cried in route my four year old grand-daughter would get upset and she was to young to understand what had just happened.

I made it to my mother's house where the family was gathered and the drama began unfolding almost immediately as it often does when family members are reeling from an unexpected death. My youngest brother was outside with other family members that smoked and I headed for him as soon as I got out of the dodge truck I had traveled in. I hugged him and just started crying and sobbing as I lost control. We were all an emotional wreck.

I went inside the house to see our mother and my other brother who had flown in from Virginia. He was on vacation. My mother was in shock and crying and my brother seemed like a big block of ice. I hugged our mother and my brother wouldn't even stand for a hug and asked why was I upset. I told him that I tried to make it to see our brother and didn't make it and he just shrugged and said how he wouldn't have know who I was any way.

My sister was there and we had words almost immediately as she wanted to go against the last wishes of our brother and have him cremated. She was more worried about having a luncheon for the community than granting our brother's last wishes. She drank heavily all day and later that night I had to help her in the house and put her to bed. She continued to upset everyone by crying and making remarks about how our mother didn't understand how we had just lost our brother. She didn't seem to remember that our mother had just lost a son.

The next morning we had to go to the funeral home to finalize the arrangements for the funeral and again

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