by Adele Gregory

Created on: October 10, 2009   Last Updated: October 11, 2009

Bereavement is one of the most significant events people go through. It raises big questions and small ones as we try to make sense of what's happened, deal with the uncomfortable subject of mortality and adjust to a world that is now altered and unfamiliar. Sometimes our minds turn to how things might have been different and we can become troubled by regrets.

In working through regrets following the death of a loved one, it can help to see grieving as a complex process. We refer to bereavement as "a loss" but it is, in fact, many losses. We lose the person's company, the role they play in our lives, and a sense of stability and continuity in the world. We also lose what could potentially happen with that person in future. This too must be grieved. And like all grieving, there's a tug-of-war at some point between resistance and acceptance, between wanting to hold on and needing to let go. Regret comes from the holding-on side. It doesn't want to give up the dream that things could be better than they were.

Regrets can be deceptive because they paint a picture of things being much better (and staying that way) if we'd acted differently. But they're completely hypothetical and they tend to focus on the best-case scenario. The truth is that we have absolutely no way of knowing what lies down a road not taken. There could be different problems in store or difficulties may improve temporarily only to return again. This is especially true if you regret not being able to resolve problems in a relationship that had long-standing issues or a history of ups and downs.

If you find yourself tormented by regret, instead of dwelling on what you did or didn't do, think about the wish for a better world that lies beneath it and what you now have to mourn. You might have hoped that you could keep someone safe, been on hand to say goodbye or finally expressed what was in your heart. But these desires were not fulfilled. You were dealt different cards and this part of your life story did not turn out as you hoped it would. Feeling the disappointment and learning to accept it will be an important part of your healing.

But loss is not the only effect of bereavement. Being confronted with death is a powerful, even traumatic experience in its own right. Events like this have such an impact, for a long time they can overshadow what's gone before. We've been through an entire symphony with someone but in the early stages of bereavement we may only be able to remember a couple of notes.

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