by Nicole Sauve

Created on: February 13, 2007   Last Updated: April 23, 2007

Guilt is what makes some of us put our own needs after others because it would be selfish to do otherwise, so we were taught from a very young age: be polite, quite and pleasing. The opposite behavior usually brings us a negative reaction: "It's not nice to interrupt while grown-ups are having a conversation." Growing up we naturally learn to take care of other people's needs. Our parents, trying to raise us to be good responsible human beings, would often tell us: "Do like Mommy says... Entertain your little sister... Go help your dad with ... Listen to your teacher..."; to survive and be accepted, we cut ourselves from our own sentiments and needs to take care of everybody else's - parents, siblings, friends, boss, customer, neighbor, co-worker.

No one took care of teaching us how to express our inner selves. We hardly know our own needs let alone understand them. We are conditioned to please in order to be loved. We did not learn to be loved as we are but rather as others want us to be. However, not everyone is molded in this little package by these social rules; this defer in one's temperament. Only the very docile will grow up to be people pleaser's thus making it very easy for the more stubborn to learn how they can take advantage of such good hearted people. Being convinced that we should fulfill other people's needs, brings us to think that our needs should be fulfill by others; logical deduction but it doesn't work that way unfortunately.

I used to think that I could not experience satisfaction other than by pleasing someone else. I was the one who only knew how to give. Receiving would make me feel so guilty that I had to hurry and redeem whatever I was given and usually in double measure. It came to a point that I no longer had anything to give. My well was dry. After long therapy I learned that I had to take care of myself first. It still makes me happy to give and please others but no longer at the price of self sacrifice.

The most useful thing I have learned is that by always choosing of free will what I do and when I do it I am always where I want to be: therefor 100% present. Let me give you an example: suppose you're part of some youth group where parents take turns in monitoring activities. When some other parent has an impediment they automatically call you because they know you always accept; so you almost never get your time off. This time you ask them to call someone else. To no surprise to you, the call comes back to you after fifteen minutes or so. By then you had time to really think of what will make you happier. On one side you hate to disappoint the kids but then you've been looking forward to this time off because you are very tired. One way or the other even if your decision not to go means that the kids will be missing out, it's your decision and once you make it you can be happy with it. If you go with the kids out of guilt, you will not be giving your 100% , you'll wish you'd stayed home so the kids will sense that in a way and their day probably
won't be that pleasant after all. So nobody gains. So if you go, go out of choice

I can now choose what and when I give. I never give out of guilt.

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