by Robert A. Mclean

Created on: October 10, 2009

Fear of commitment is a phrase excessively used to describe a man's aversiveness to a long-term relationship. There is a distinction that has to be made when discussing this topic, that is, the difference between a man who is just fearful of commitment which is described as a phobia and the man who is truly commitment phobic.

There exists good research on the commitment phobic male, the scope of which is beyond the intent of this article and is clinical in nature. Briefly, a truly commitment phobic male is thought to have early developmental issues with attachment style that manifest themselves though behaviour displayed in relationships throughout life. This type of phobia is contradictory in nature since they crave the closeness of the relationship but are fearful of it. This is the type of male who can have sexual relations and then wish to sleep alone because the closeness of another person is uncomfortable for him. There usually is a pattern of sabotage and attempted reconciliation in the relationship. There are professionals trained to treat this type of personality disorder.

The vast majority of men do not place in this category, rather, they are men whose fear of commitment is rationally justified. There are men who have experienced horror stories in prior relationships. Many have been emotionally and financially raped by women and a court system that has become perceived as unfair in their treatment of men. Some men have truly given their love eternally to one woman and know full well the emotional costs associated with such a loss. Upon meeting another potential long term partner they are very guarded and excessively analytical to the point of stifling whatever flow is necessary for the relationship to develop normally. There are also men who have have made a choice to simply avoid the confines of the responsibility that an exclusive relationship invariably entails. Once a woman places the boundaries down it is time to leave. This is not a fear it is simply a decision based upon preference. The closeness, the emotional attachment to this woman, is just not worth the loss of his independence. Fear of the aftermath of the death of a relationship is another big issue for men. Once you have experienced the grief of losing a large emotional investment and the time involved in getting through that, facing that potential loss again can be a terrifying prospect, especially if instead of falling in love you discover that you are drowning in it.

Fear of course has positive aspects, it is not all negative. There can be healthy insights gained though being fearful of a relationship if you decide to pursue one in spite of your fear. You already know the risks entailed. You know that nothing is guaranteed and that chances are, you get out of it what you put into it. Your chances of becoming hurt are reduced since you will likely be gone before it becomes critical. There are also some women who may be able to understand your fear should you choose to risk disclosure, and instead of dismissing it, actually be equipped with the intelligence and compassion necessary to work with it, consider yourself very lucky should you discover such a woman since they are few and far between but well worth finding.

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