by Geoffrey Schmitt

Created on: October 10, 2009   Last Updated: March 11, 2010

My favorite definition of a friend is someone who is glad you showed up and has no immediate plans for your improvement. I like this definition because it reflects the idea of gracious acceptance of who I am, regardless. A friend wants to spend time with me. A friend wants to share joys and sorrows. A friend wants to remember the good times, enjoy today and plan for tomorrow.

A friend is willing and able to tell me the hard things I need to hear that no one else dare or care to tell. It's not really a contradiction of my definition. A friend doesn't have a plan to fix me. That's what is called co-dependence. No, a friend will give negative feedback when appropriate. Then a friend will leave it up to me to respond or not.

A friend will sacrifice time and energy for me. A friend will be there to listen. On the other hand a friend will give me space and time to do what I want and need to do alone or with others. A friend is not jealous.

It is interesting that in our language we make friends. It seems way too one sided. It is goes against what I have already said. Friendship is not a relationship of power and control. I am not manipulated into being a friend. I can not make you be my friend. It is a relationship of mutual admiration and trust.

It is much healthier to say we become friends. Friendship is a process that evolves. Sure there are some instant friendships, just as there is love at first sight. However, those quick bonds are more likely to be heavy with personal projections. We see ourselves on the screen of the other personality more than we see the real person. You become my friend over time as we share history; make memories, work and play, think and debate, laugh and cry and agree to disagree together.

What makes a best friend? It is like the question asked of Jesus Who is my neighbor? He replied with the story of the Good Samaritan. It was his way of turning the question on its head. Do you know how to be a neighbor? So we might rephrase the question, What makes me a best friend? or Whose best friend am I?

When we say best friend it means of all our friends this one stands out. This one is more important; more trust worthy, more valued, more loved. I don't presume to speak for those who are single. However, I make it my life's highest goal to be a best friend to my spouse.

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