by Teri Bailey

Created on: October 08, 2009

Endometriosis. It is one word I have heard since I was a child, yet had no real impact on me until I was a freshman in high school. One of my most vivid memories of my monthly cramps was when I was a freshman. I had taken Pamprin Cramp formula and an hour later, it had not touched the pain. The pain was so bad, I couldn't concentrate. I started sweating and shaking. I told my teacher I was feeling very ill and she sent me to the nurse. After vomiting several times from the pain, I lay on the cot in a fetal position until my mom and dad picked me up. My mom had no other advice than, "I had to learn to deal with my pain so you're going to have to do it too."

When I was twenty, I went to the gyno for my annual exam. It was the first time I had been to an actual doctor's office instead of Planned Parenthood. During my exam, the doctor noticed I was extremely tender. She made me an appointment to come in for an ultrasound. There were no visible findings on the ultrasound. Then during that consult, my doctor said the words that changed my life.

"I'm going to recommend you have a laparoscopy done because I suspect you have endometriosis."

While I had suspected I had it all along, it was still quite startling to know I was going to have my first surgery ever. I had just figured doctors would tell me that I would just have to deal with the pain. After all, I had been hearing it from my mother since I was fourteen. My mother ended up having a hysterectomy at thirty-five as an endometriosis treatment. I wondered if I would end up like her as I waited in the pre-op room for the nurse to bring some Valium before my surgery. As I emerged from a drug-induced haze, I made out the word endometriosis from the conversation my husband of three months was trying to have with me. I fell back asleep worrying that I wouldn't be able to have children.

"I think your endometriosis has gotten worse. I can recommend you to a surgeon here in the office."

It was the words I was dreading to hear yet knew were coming. I was twenty-three, working full-time in a human resources position. To me, things were definitely looking up until I had gone to my annual exam and the same familiar tenderness during the exam reared its ugly face. I didn't want to have another surgery so soon after the first, but I was tired of taking vicodin for the pain. I just wanted some relief. It was not meant to be.

"I looked, but I couldn't find any visible endometriosis. If you do have any implants, they are not visible. The good news is that I don't see anything stopping you from getting pregnant. I would really recommend a course of Lupron if you're not going to be stopping your birth control soon."

I was disheartened. I went off birth control because I wanted a baby, and now there wasn't anything physically stopping me. I knew that my periods would become worse, but I decided it was worth it if I could get pregnant. It's been seven months and another period has arrived. I spend three days so bloated that I resemble a seven months pregnant woman. I take lots of ibuprofen, and spend my nights tethered to the couch with my heating pad. With the pain getting worse with every period that arrives, it is very hard to keep reminding myself that I am trying to make my dream of having a child come true. I guess I will just have to deal with it until I get pregnant. After all, it's only endometriosis, or as I like to call it, my own personal hell.

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