by Jan Beukes

Created on: October 07, 2009

Yes, parents are always parents. Even whilst going through the process of 'letting go,' they are still parents. From the moment of birth, I saw the first stage of 'letting go' when the midwife cut the umbilical cord from my son and I realise now that there has been a constant day by day letting go ever since.

I went on to having three more children, all now at different stages of independence. My youngest, a teenager still at home, obviously needing more parenting than my eldest who is married. This does not make me any less of a parent to my eldest than to my youngest.

Parents let go when they release a child's hand so that they can walk by themselves. Parents let go when they first drop their child at play school - ouch did that hurt! They let go a bit more when they first drop them to full time school. Then, all too soon, their children start secondary school when parents are no longer needed to take them or collect them any more.

The wrench a parent feels on that first day when they drop their son or daughter at university can cause a tidal wave of grief, totally unexpected. As parents fill their child's little box room with a cosy quilt and a box full of groceries, pot, pans and cutlery, they put on a brave face which covers quivering lips and a pain like none felt before. But the worst is to come when the parent returns home to the empty bedroom. Yet, leading up to this time, mum was secretly waving the flags with a longing for the bedroom which was now going to remain tidy for about three years! Such conflicting emotions.

It is during those early to late teenage years particularly that many of us parents find ourselves swinging to and fro between letting go and grabbing back. Grappling with decisions and trying to discern which situations still need a tight reign and which situations require us to hold our breath, watch and pray! Much anguish and heartache can be experienced during these years. This is still being a parent.

The frontal lobe in the teenager's brain is taking its time to develop. This means there is high risk activity, no fear, lack of understanding consequences and unable to see anything from anyone else's point of view. One minute they can be screaming 'leave me alone!' and then in the next breath screaming 'help!'. In some situations parents will decide to rescue and in others they will decide to allow their son or daughter to experience the consequences. This is one of the hardest places a parent finds themselves - letting go,

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