by Arden Davidson

Created on: October 06, 2009   Last Updated: July 30, 2010

The old saying "forgive and forget" can be confusing at times. What exactly is the difference between forgiving and forgetting? Can you succeed at forgiving without ever really forgetting, or vice-versa? Are some transgressions inherently unforgivable?

Uncertainty about the answers to these questions can make mending your relationship more difficult than it needs to be. Here are a few guidelines that should be helpful in allowing you to figure out how to forgive, forget, and give your relationship a fresh start.

The Difference Between Forgiving And Forgetting

Forgiveness means that you are willing to continue your relationship despite a mistake that your partner has made. Forgetting means that you are able to put that mistake in the past and move on. Essentially, forgiving is a choice while forgetting is an action.

You can choose to forgive someone, but forgetting is not always within your control. For example, you may desperately want to forget that your husband had an affair with another woman. You may forgive him and let him come back into your home and your heart. But sometimes, no matter how hard you try, you just can't get that image of him making love to someone else to stop popping into your head.

Unfortunately, until you can master the "forgetting" part, you will never truly achieve the "forgiving part." After all, how can you sincerely forgive someone who continues to cause you pain every time that dreaded images starts projecting itself on your "brain screen"?

Aligning Your Goals with your Abilities

The fact that the processes of forgiving and forgetting can often conflict with one another is evidence that what people "want" to do is not always aligned what they are "able" to do. Many people would love to sing but cannot carry a tune. Others would love to paint masterpieces but can barely draw a stick figure. Clearly, wanting and doing are not the same thing.

Determining What is Forgivable, and What is Unforgivable

The level to which you are able to forgive and/or forget is often in direct proportion to the magnitude of the transgression your partner has committed. If he simply forgot to pick up milk on the way home from work, forgiveness should be a breeze. If he got angry at you and called you a derogatory name, forgiving and forgetting can be somewhat more difficult. If he had an affair or physically abused you, he may not even deserve your forgiveness.

Minor mistakes usually warrant forgiveness automatically. You are not going to divorce your

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