by Jean Sidden

Created on: October 05, 2009   Last Updated: October 06, 2009

Fair-weather friends are those who come and go and are not to be relied on if and when your going gets tough. They may come around when their going gets tough but when you have similar tough times they are too busy, too indifferent or too otherwise engaged. There are a few variations of this sort of friend and they can be some of the most disappointing people to remain close to.

Fair-weather friends are not only those you cannot contact when you'd like to talk to someone; they are also those who can only talk about themselves. These are the people who, no matter what might be happening in your life, can always trump your situation with theirs. Their problems are always more difficult, their families are always more dysfunctional and their challenges are always insurmountable.

With this kind of friend you may be able to get a word in edgewise as they patiently wait until the end of your thought. This is when they say something like "I've had that happen to me too!" launching into a lengthy, voluminous monologue and itemized account of how their situation is way worse than yours. They seem to be communicating that you have no grounds for concern when there are people - them - who have suffered so much more deeply than you. Suddenly you feel that you never should have shared anything with them at all because they find your issues insignificant.

Fair-weather friends can only see you on their schedule. You will try to make arrangements to see them and they are always busy. But they will squeeze you in at a very specific window of time that only they have access to. There is no give and take in the relationship and no sense of compromise. They are simply too busy to be more flexible.

Fair-weather friends don't keep appointments and don't contact you beforehand. You will have a time to visit scheduled; you show up at the correct time and wait - and wait. There will be no phone call, no text message, no email, no smoke signal; they simply won't show up. When you do contact them they feel as if nothing is wrong and that you, like anyone else who knows them, should roll with the punches of their lack of good manners.

Have you ever attempted to share with a friend only to have them laugh off your concerns? This is also a characteristic of a fair weather friend. Their technique is to take what you say and make a joke out of it, to which only they laugh. If you don't get it, you have no sense of humor. If you don't see how silly all your problems really are, you're taking yourself too seriously. And if you don't lighten up and get over it while you're on their clock, you're wasting their lighthearted social time.

Fair-weather friends, when managed, can actually remain friends for quite some time. Realize that these are people you will not be visiting with very much. Understand that every time you see them you're more than likely only to be talking about them and their lives. Try to schedule interaction around an activity so the attention goes to the specifics of what you are doing rather than what you are saying.

If your fair-weather friend is of the joker variety, try turning the tables. When they begin to share one of their most recent terrible anecdotes, try turning it into a joke, have a nice laugh and see if they can take as well as they dish it. Probably not - more than likely your fair weather friend will take offense and you'll have to explain why you were being so callous.

These are friends who are high maintenance. If you are unable to gain some detachment from the characteristics of your relationship you will always have your feelings hurt. There may come a time when the gap between you is so great you find you no longer need to work so hard closing it.

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