by Mark Sichel

Created on: October 04, 2009

I've been a marriage counselor and happily married for nearly thirty years. I suggest a ten point focus for marriage counseling which I've derived from both clinical and personal experience. If a counselor incorporates these virtual Ten Commandments of a Happy Marriage, they will have given their clients a set of rules to survive and thrive through time, both good and bad.

1. THINK BEFORE YOU SPEAK

Think before you speak and react, especially if you know the potential for fireworks exists. Sometimes the words will only fan the flames and take you further away from your goal of resolution.

2.CLEAN YOUR SPLEEN.

Write a brutally honest letter to your wife, husband or lover telling them all the bad feelings and thoughts you've ever had about them. Drop the letter into your personal "dead letter box"; and move on with a smile on your face.

3. DO NOT ARGUE WITH FEELINGS; LEARN TO LISTEN

Sometimes your wife needs to tell you how disappointed and upset she is with you. Sometimes your husband needs to go on a diatribe about how you "neglect" him. Sometimes your partner needs to express his or her resentment about the way you've treated them. You can't argue with feelings. Listen when your mate expresses strong feelings. Rather than argue and try to insist that your partner shouldn't be feeling what they're feeling, understand that they ARE feeling that way and simply say, "I'm sorry you feel that way." Try to put yourself in their shoes and give them the empathy that you would want yourself.

4. RESPECT NEEDS FOR PRIVACY AND SPACE

While a good relationship involves honesty, saying every single thing that comes into your mind and sharing every feeling is not conducive to true intimacy. Intruding into your partners every thought and feeling is not going to create greater togetherness. Create boundaries and set limits. You know how much contact you can take and how much will ignite your nuclear bomb.

5. REMEMBER SPECIAL OCCASIONS AND EVENTS.

Remember birthdays and anniversaries. Buy a gift, or make one. This activity is not about spending money. This is a testament that your mate is making you the most important person in their life. Tune in to your partner's unique likes and dislikes and acknowledge these in an emotionally generous manner. Whatever the occasion, a card and gift makes people feel remembered, and when people feel remembered they feel loved and closer to one another.

6. DO NOT OVERREACT. EVER.

When partners feel neglected, they often will create

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