by Gloria Pickens

Created on: October 04, 2009

Walking away from you immediately seems like the only option I have left. My heart is anticipating a sadistic blow, one it cannot survive. I struggled to smash down the indomitable walls to let you in. I can see you staggering around out in the cold, waiting for an invitation to come in and sit by the fire. I cannot invite you in; I fear your rejection. You must make the initiative before I shut the door. Will you come inside? Your time is running out, the fire is dying and I must restore my walls. You leave me so vulnerable, so exposed. I'm anybody's game, but I want to be yours. I feel myself involuntarily leaving the warmth of the fire, stepping outside into the snow. You stop pacing to stare at me, arms folded in a poor attempt to restrain body heat. You watch me as I slowly make my way towards you, and you do not endeavor to move in my direction. I stop mere centimeters from your body, and I can feel the heat rising from your skin. I collapse into you, your arms frozen together in their folded position. You make no effort to scoop me to my feet and help me to safety. My heart begins to freeze over as you stand there and stare down at my immobile body. Snow begins to layer itself on top of me and I'm disappearing before your eyes. I manage to open my eyes only wide enough to see you watching me as my breathing becomes strained. Tears turn into ice before they depart from your eyes, turning them to glass. Those two brown marbles gape down on me, burying me. They don't melt my heart tonight. They don't melt anything. Your eyes were never any match against nature, against the harsh blizzard I find us in. We'll perish together, all thanks due to your withdrawn personality and my heart; the tape peeling away, revealing cracks and large crevasses where pieces have been distributed among different people. I trusted you to repair the fractures and replace the missing pieces. You were supposed to become the rest that I wasn't. I felt it throughout every bone in my body. I felt your hand in mine until our very last days. I felt your eyes looking into mine every night and every morning. I felt your touch on my skin every day, every week, every month, every year. Prove me wrong, my love. Show me you're not who I think you're becoming. Show the world my insanity for what it really is. Analyzing can get you nowhere, as I have shown myself time and time again and learned nothing. I hold my own hand down this road to psychosis, whispering insecurities to myself and manipulating stories out of thin air. If you would only replace my hand with yours, we could walk back to sanity together and live uninterrupted by the world forever. However, I couldn't ask you to run out of your mind, trying to find me lost, somewhere in the middle of lunacy. You would never go crazy just to find me. But I would for you. My heart is nothing away from yours. Come to me and make me into something. Anything. I just need to feel any kind of self worth to keep my chest rising. I'll wait for the rest of my life if that's what it will take. I know tonight that you are the only one I will ever need. If you cannot be mine, then I will continue my life solitarily, waiting for the day you return to me.

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