by Kelly Greenbaum

Created on: October 01, 2009   Last Updated: October 02, 2009

There is no question that the relationship between both parents significantly affects the relationships and future coping skills of their children. In a 2008 survey of children's views on parental relationships (www.separatedfamilies.org.uk), 1000 children were asked about the marital status of their parents, their own happiness, and predictions of how well they would do in school and college.

Results of the survey suggest that "children, who had parents with good relationships, even if they were separated or divorced, were statistically more than two and half times happier then the children who perceived a bad relationship between their two parents." The study went on to say that children who had parents who had poor relationships "did poorly in life, had difficulty with coping skills, and were less likely to have children of their own someday." The results also suggest that children are much more perceptive and aware of the tensions around them then many of us give them credit for. Not only do they have a sense of what is going on, they are also aware of how negatively it may impact their lives.

Similar findings were found in a survey of 8,029 adolescents conducted in 1997 (http://aspe.hhs.gov/hsp/08/relationshipstrengths/wel l-being/rb.shtml). That survey found that children raised in households with marital conflict had a greater incidence of alcohol/drug abuse, poorer physical health, emotional problems, and were more likely to engage in risky sexual practices.

When children are growing up they have two major role models in their lives, mom and dad. How well these two get along will have a great deal of influence on their future relationships. What they see in terms of how their parents treat each other becomes "normal". If a child grows up in an abusive home they may find themselves in abusive situations when they get older. One might think that the opposite would be true but, when that adult was a child, they saw someone they loved get abused repeatedly and in their minds this became normal behavior. Hence the never-ending cycle of child abuse.

Children learn to model the behaviors that they see around them, which is why it is so important to set a good example. You cannot simply verbalize to children," do what I say, not what I do", because children don't work that way. They will do what they are taught. Children learn by example, and the most important example a child has is his parents.

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