Jealousy: An Inner Battle
Just when I think the conflict will subside, when the jealousy will drain from her very being, something will set her off and the battle within starts all over again. She is 64 years old now. Will she ever let it go?
Margie has been my neighbor for years. She and her husband, Paul, have no children. They're comfortable but far from well off. Paul is 75 with various health problems and senility slowly setting in. He retired many years ago, has a very small pension, and a less than impressive monthly social security payment due to low paying jobs his entire working life. Margie would have preferred early retirement but the need to keep up with her younger sister, Noreen, forces her to continue working.
Noreen quit working at age 25 when she married a 28-year-old doctor. She is now 60 and has devoted her time over the past 35 years to various charity work and volunteering at the hospital where her husband, Ted, is now a well known and highly paid brain surgeon. They also have no children, and are extremely well off.
Noreen lives several states away. I don't see her often but we've known each other for years. We send birthday and holiday cards and keep in touch with monthly phone calls. Margie doesn't know this. If she did, she would likely fly into a jealous rage and sever all contact with both her sister and me, so we have a secret relationship, because Margie considers me her friend.
The fact is, Margie is extremely jealous of her sister, but will never admit it. She goes out of her way and far beyond her means to impress Noreen, indulging in luxuries she cannot afford. She talks high and mighty, brags about relationships with people she barely knows, and garners favors from the unassuming by buying gifts for their children or, in many cases, excessive tipping. She wiggles her way into social circles, high profile cocktail parties, and every cultural event in town. She tips at 50% all the time, sometimes more tossing money around as if it were of no use to her.
Noreen and Ted are sophisticated, educated, and dedicated to worthy causes. They do not seek attention or privileges; he works hard and she volunteers more hours that she would work in a full time job. They have a beautiful home in an exclusive area, drive expensive cars, and dress well, but are otherwise unassuming people who treasure their privacy.
Last summer, Noreen and Ted sent Margie and Paul a letter before their fortieth anniversary, inviting them on an all-expenses-paid cruise in celebration of their long marriage. Margie showed me the letter; it was beautiful and full of love and affection but she didn't take it that way. She ranted and raved that Noreen and Ted were flaunting their money and treating her and Paul like a charity case.
I tried to talk to Margie but it was no use. She and Paul would go on the cruise only if they paid themselves so they did - $15K for flights to New York where the cruise departed, and the cruise itself. Margie also bought $5,000 in designer clothes to take on the trip, and brought another $5,000 in cash plus her many credit cards for shopping and entertaining. Over the next ten days, she spent thousands on meals and shopping, and had the crew at her beck and call with overly generous tipping.
Noreen called me from her cabin, saddened by Margie's obvious insecurity and deeply worried about her growing need to impress everyone, to overshadow her and Ted. The conflict that started so many years ago had not mellowed over time.
The day after Margie and Paul returned from their cruise, I called to check on them. Margie invited me for a visit.
Walking into the kitchen, Margie was sitting at her table surrounded by bills, Paul standing over her shaking his head. She barked orders at him to return nearly all the clothes she purchased for the trip shoving receipts and bags at him. He left, muttering to himself.
"The clothes didn't fit?" I asked.
"Yes, they all fit but I don't need them now." She laughed then and looked down at the pile of credit card bills in front of her. I counted nine.
"Then why did you buy them, Marge?" I asked.
"Noreen is nosy, you know. She always inspects everything I wear. She'd go off and tell the whole world if I didn't buy the most expensive designer clothes. You know how she is such a snob!"
Of course, none of what Margie said was true, but I listened and nodded the same as I've done for years now, ensuring my friendship to Margie and keeping the one I have with Noreen a secret.
The conflict started when they were both in their early twenties. Noreen grew up, moved on, and lives a productive life serving others. She loves Margie, her only sister, the only one left in the immediate family unconditionally.
Margie, nearly 40 years later, will not move on. Noreen has tried talking with her to no avail. Ted has suggested family counseling. Paul doesn't have the energy any longer, but in lucid conversations with both Noreen and I worries that she will run out of money after he's gone, still paying off high credit card bills and other debts in a vain attempt to win a battle only she's fighting.