by Art Schneider

Created on: September 29, 2009   Last Updated: September 30, 2009

I don't think career women make bad wives per se, but women's fundamental approach to relationships is a factor in creating a psychological bind regarding work versus other commitments. After their first relationship women are either going into or going out of any relationship they are in, including work. This means that women will look at work as just another set of relationships, and continue to try to create better connections at work as long as they are in a particular job. This can create a problem in marriages as women can form close relationships with colleagues who provide them with validation that they do not generally get at home. At work there are projects to do that have a finite length and which have a tangible reward, even if just a pat on the back, when completed. By contrast, women's' home responsibilities seem endless and thankless.

Another way to think of this relationship bind that women experience is that of 'either or'. It is hard for women to have multiple meaningful relationships involving men. Since work usually involves men and since it is inevitable that some of those men will be interested in their female co-workers, work when particularly validating is a perfect storm for creating divided loyalties for some women. If the work continues to be validating then men who are in the work environment don't have to have the same qualifications as actual husbands, after all such women already have a source of genetic and financial security at home. The combination of validating work and the possibility of prestigious or at least exciting relationships at work can make some women rethink their allegiance to their husbands. In any case, once a women crosses the threshold emotionally, there is little that can turn her back because of the 'either or' principle.

I had a student once who, at the ripe old age of 22, basically demanded that her boyfriend either pop the question or she would end the relationship. This student was, in the next year, headed into medical school, while her boyfriend was in the construction industry not a great match to begin with. It was clear to me that this student was desperate to have the barrier of protection that marriage ostensibly provides for a woman in a workplace or a setting like medical school. The fact was that she was an attractive young female who would garner much male attention and be exposed to all manner of attractive young men, not to mention high powered and high profiled doctors and surgeons. It

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