by JW Evans

Created on: September 29, 2009   Last Updated: September 30, 2009

Where were you God?

"As I watched this heartbreaking video about the death of a child, all the anxieties and agonies I had experienced at the death of my son were remembered as I cried, where were you God?"

I asked the question and God answered: "I was there all the time."

"I've been there, where this Mother was standing." Oh, it wasn't outside of a surgery unit. No, we found ourselves standing outside the PICU, in one of the top rated teaching hospitals in the world, with the lead pediatrician in charge, while our adorable, blonde haired, blue eyed, dimpled, always smiling little cherub fought for his life, and lost.

So yes, I know the agony this mother felt.

As the numbness overtook my body, I thought, if I can just sleep, I'll wake up to find this is just a really bad dream, but the nightmare didn't end, and as others went about their daily lives, I remember thinking, "no one knows that my world just fell apart."

This thought was quickly followed by, "the world is not going to stop and let me off," and then the very wise, pragmatic words of my uncle, "honey, you still have a three year old, and he needs his Mommy." In the midst of my despair, those words, and the arms wrapped around me, were my life preserver.

I was so very, very angry with God. Oh, I held it together in public. Everyone commented on how well we were doing, but in the privacy of my own room, flinging myself out across my bed, I would scream at God. How could you do this to me?

HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME?

It's not fair, it's not fair God. I don't understand. There is nothing you can say to me that is going to make me understand this.

I felt so alone, and then eventually, others began to say, "you know, I lost a child too, I do understand how you feel", and I slowly began to know that somehow I would survive.

We survived the grief, and the agony. Somehow, our marriage survived, and we kept what was left of our little family intact, and slowly, slowly, began to rebuild a life for ourselves.

God was faithful, and his promises were true, and his blessings were abundant, and we knew first hand that his words were true, when he said, "I will never leave you, nor forsake you."

So many blessings, our own divine miracle, an adopted son who looks so much like us you won't be able to tell the difference. He is my joy. Sometimes I have to call just to hear his voice, and adorable, precious grandchildren, four of them, who love to spend the night, or the weekend, and who are the light of our life.

So yes, God was there. Do I understand? NO, but someday I will, and until that day, I will keep pressing toward the mark of the calling of the Most High.

Sources:

YouTube.com http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jvhUoiPt810&feature=related

Scripture reference: I will never leave you nor forsake you - Joshua 1:5 - Hebrews 13:5

Learn more about this author, JW Evans.
Click here to send this author comments or questions.