Tears, tantrums, the cold shoulder, picking arguments, finding fault with everything you say and do. That's what happened to me when I took on a new partner and her kids. I thought it was going to be as easy as ABC. Their father had fallen out with their mother. They were going to see quite clearly that I was a far better guy who knew exactly how to treat their wonderful mum. But, oh no. I got it all wrong.

I marched in with presents for them all. That was going to be the clincher, I told myself. But, oh no. Within a matter of minutes, I heard what I was going to hear so many times over the coming days, weeks and months: 'I want my dad. He's nicer than you.' If only I had stopped to think a bit more. Of course, I could not displace their father. Most kids have an unbreakable bond with their parents, and quite rightly so. Who was I to replace him?

With hindsight, I should have done a lot more groundwork to prepare the kids and myself and my new partner and her ex for what amounts to a pretty traumatic experience for everyone involved. Firstly, I believe I should have had an in-depth discussion, plan of action, call it what you like, with my partner. Then I should have met with her ex, maybe in a bar and then all three of us together. I should have displayed humility. It is best to ask both parents how they see their children being brought up, acknowledging their control over the children. What role could I play - I was not going to substitute the blood father, but as I was going to be spending several hours a day in the same house, surely I should know exactly what was to be expected of me.

I appreciate that the dad should have access to his children and there is likely to be some bitterness over the fact that I was to probably see more of them than he was, even though he was digging deep into his pockets to pay maintenance. It should have been made clear by all three parties exactly what I was expected to do.

The next stage after speaking to both parents would be to chat to the kids. Mum and dad together ideally should explain that they no longer love each other, but they still love the kids to bits. Mum's new man would help look after them, but would never try to be dad - that role is unique to their real dad. But that did not mean I would be excluded from their growing up. I would accompany them on excursions, take them to activities, show an interest in their school progress and so on when their father was unavailable. We were going to be a family of sorts and the best way to achieve that was to try to enjoy ourselves together.

The way you communicate this to the children depends very much on their age. For example a two or three-year-old is going to be interested in playing in the park, learning to swim or ride a bike. As they get older, children want a bedtime story, to take part in team sports, then later they might want to play the guitar, need picking up after a party. These are all activities a stepfather can use to help 'win them over' - but be careful: you are trying to make them appreciate you as their mother's partner, not as their buddy or substitute dad.

Moving in with a new partner and her children is never going to be easy. There will be tensions and resentments. But with some forethought and preemptive strikes, things could turn out fine. Just be ready for a roller coaster ride, though.

Learn more about this author, Phil Hill.
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