by Leila Summers

Created on: September 28, 2009

When Someone You Love is Dying Anticipatory Grief

Anticipating the possibility of a loss of someone you love is a terrifying and traumatic time. They may have a life threatening or terminal illness that you don't know whether they will recover from or not. You are torn in two: one side is full of hope and trust that they will survive, the other is full of fear and dread that they may not. Anticipatory grief is a terrible place of limbo between knowing and not knowing. It is a time of dealing with loss of life, moving slowly without actually knowing if there will be a loss. For me, it was a traumatic prelude that was, in some ways, worse than the grief I had to deal with after the loss.

This time, in between knowing and not knowing, is a silent grief that you cannot talk about. If you keep it to yourself, you believe that in some way, you won't bring about the worst, an outcome that you can barely manage to think about. If you can just try harder, just pray harder or believe more, maybe you can make a difference. The truth is, that there is probably little you can do other than what you already are doing; you are doing your best. You feel isolated and know that no one in the world understands what you are going through. You are probably right, they don't. Friends only want to help, even though you know there's nothing they can do that would help unless they could heal your loved one and make them well again, which they can't.

Anticipating a loss can be just as powerful as a loss itself. You are not ready to let your loved one go. There can be feelings of guilt that you are grieving before a loss occurs. You may feel that you need to prepare yourself for the worst, but struggle with the guilt that if you are too practical, you do not have enough hope or faith. In anticipatory grief you can experience all of the emotional stages of grief which may include, anger, blame, guilt, hopelessness, depression, sadness, disbelief, regret, loss of control, shock, loneliness and pain. Living in this state of heightened emotions for a prolonged period of time takes it toll on you.

But anticipatory grief affects both sides. The loved one who is fighting for their life is also going through emotional turmoil. They know what they are facing. They know that they may not have much time left. They also share the hopes, the fears, the loss of control, the anger, the quiet desperation. You feel like you can't discuss these feelings with each other, for fear of speaking the unspeakable.

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