by Leila Summers

Created on: September 28, 2009

Helping a Friend through Loss and Grief

I speak through my own experience from the loss of my husband, but it is good to note that no one's experience is ever the same with grief. There is no right or wrong way to deal with the loss of a loved one, the process is unique and personal for each individual.

How it feels to lose a loved one and the stages of grief

The loss of a child, partner, sibling, parent or close friend is unimaginable and indescribable. It leaves a hole so deep and painful that it is unmatched by any other. Your world stops. The exact moment is marked for memory, the details etched into your mind forever. Life goes on around you but you don't feel part of it, it's like watching a movie that can't be happening. Everything has changed, it's a different world, one in which your loved one is no longer here. There is nothing anyone can do or say to make things easier. You don't know how you will survive, and you are not sure you even want to.

Things seem meaningless and you feel overwhelmed. Nothing makes sense. You are in a state of disbelief. You may want to talk about it, going over and over things to try and sort them out in your mind. You may not feel like talking and withdraw, searching for answers. No matter how many friends are around you, you feel alone and isolated, like there is a wall between you and everyone else. You feel like you will never be whole again. It is a strange new world, and the only person you want to be with is gone forever.

You go through various stages of grief which may include, anger, blame, guilt, hopelessness, depression, sadness, disbelief, regret, panic, loneliness and pain. These can last for different periods of time, or you can also go through all of them in one day. Life feels incomplete and unfinished.

Finally the reality will sink in, they are not coming back. In time, you will learn to live with your loss, but it will never really leave you. Grief is a part of the healing, and it's a slow process. The hole that is left will never quite be filled, but you will find that one day, things will get easier.

What to do and what NOT to do when a friend is going through grief -
You cannot make them feel better; there are no words to fix this pain.

DO NOT fail to mention the loss for fear of hurting your friend even more. Pretending that nothing's happened because you don't know what to say, is the worst thing you can do. TALK about their loss, tell them how sorry you are, offer your deepest sympathies and any assistance

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