by Leila Summers

Created on: September 28, 2009

Helping Children Deal with Death

When a parent, sibling or grandparent dies, you are so overwhelmed that it is often difficult to know how to deal with children at the same time. Sadly, my children lost their dad when they were four and six years old.

Here are some ideas I found and used -

Try to continue with the child's normal routine where possible. This makes them feel safer and more secure. Organise some special fun events to take their minds off things, or if you can't manage, ask a friend to take them out for some fun. When the therapist asked my oldest daughter what would make her feel less sad, she said doing fun things!

It is good to cry in front of your children, but be sensitive on how much you expose them to. Let them know that it is ok to cry whenever they feel sad and encourage them to talk if they want to. Children experience grief as much as we do. At times I needed to create a space for mourning and give my children a chance to have a good bawl. Other times they would be in tears about silly things and realising what it was really about, I gently told them to cry if they needed to and it would all just come out.

Children are incredibly open spiritual beings and are often able to see and talk to departed loved ones. My children experienced this! The therapist also taught my children to visit their dad during visualisation. They loved doing this and can still see themselves laughing and talking to him.

Make a memory book. My children were young so I wrote down their dictated memories of dad and we started scrap booking with photos. I also made memory boxes for each of them with letters, photos, precious items, clothing, pictures and my own written memories of dad.

Involve children in the memorial service wherever possible. They need to be a part of everything and understand more than we think. My children carried dad's box of ashes around until we scattered them at sea. They were dancing at the wake and still remember the fun party we had to celebrate dad's life.

Answer questions honestly and age appropriately. Children like to know all the details and ask the strangest questions! My daughter asked me If dad is everywhere, what if we sit on him? If the circumstances surrounding the death are not age-appropriate in your opinion, seek advice, do some research and follow your intuition as to how you tell your children. Honesty is usually the best policy. Finding things out later in life can be even more traumatic.

Keep memories around the house.

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