by Alexus Mckeon

Created on: September 27, 2009   Last Updated: September 30, 2009

No matter what you believe spiritually, when looked upon, death is a finality. This body we are given does expire. So in that token it is coming to terms with the fact that you are here one day and will eventually be gone on another. I think the biggest fear of death is really the fear of not knowing what comes next. That fear alone can be paralyzing, damaging, and crippling to anyone's quality of life. Being afraid to live or die. Truly an interesting concept in itself.

When we experience the death of someone else, it makes us call into question all things. Especially our own mortality. Then I think that another problem that evokes and drives fear in us is what are the people we love going to do without us when we are gone. We fear leaving things unsettled and not taken care of. We worry about those we love not being able to live without us. I remember the death of somebody close to this day. I remember looking up and screaming at the top of my lungs that he promised to never leave me. Asking him what the hell I was supposed to do and how to do it and carry on without him. This person's death sent me on a highly destructive rampage of drug and alcohol abuse. Depression took over so bad. This downward spiral beat me down for two years.

I think we think of leaving behind a legacy, contributing something to our communities and those we love. The fear that maybe we didn't live our life quite right and we don't want to die leaving the story where it is. Not having a chance to go back and right the wrong. Some don't know what to spiritually believe in. Others are not sure what to believe in. We hope there is purpose in this life that we live, and a vindication of sorts if we were dealt a hand that wasn't so great and we went through it all for naught. We wonder if we will be remembered. People have no idea how much they are missed and immortalized by their loved ones. How we sacredly keep their memory alive in all that we do.

I worry and fear over if my funeral is going to be done the way I want it done. I am leaving forever (MAYBE) - might be back - who knows - anything's possible. Some people might fear that they know what's going on. I have a strange fear of being stuck in the ground or cremated. How the hell do I know if I will know or not? I want to be buried in jeans a t-shirt and a pair of Nikes the way people know me everyday. I am not trying to go through eternity in some hideous dress. As a matter of fact, I already have this outfit marked in a plastic bag that says, upon my death. Some may find this comical...I am so serious I told my family I would haunt them forever if this request was not honored.

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