by Kate O'Leary

Created on: September 23, 2009   Last Updated: September 25, 2009

The most important thing to remember when you are preparing for a child custody battle is to know that child custody hearings should NEVER BE battles. In fact anytime a custody hearing becomes a battle then it is no longer a custody hearing to determine what is in the best interest of the child and it becomes a hearing of what the parents want and a child custody hearing should always be about the child not the parent's What this means is that parents need to put aside their anger with each other and/or the situation and focus on the needs of their child. I am aware that this can be very difficult.

Divorce involves betrayal, death of dreams, depression and on occasion rage. Often any and all emotions felt by the parents are legitimate and should be acknowledged. However these feelings and frustrations should be acknowledged and addressed only by the adults and only in ways that are healthy and not self destructive. One of the best ways for a parent to have his or her feelings acknowledged and validated is through therapy. Therapy gives the parent a place where he or she can go and be completely safe and hopefully receive support and constructive feedback. In many cases it may be helpful in divorce to also seek out therapy for the children involved. While a parent is experiencing the loss of his or her marriage the child is experiencing the loss of his or her family.

Here are some very important things to remember when you are preparing for a custody hearing.

1. The judge does not love your children - you are the one who loves your child

2. The judge does not know your children - you are the one that knows your child

3.The judge is likely to hear fifty child custody cases a week. While this is the most important thing going on in your life it is not the most important thing going on in the judges life (this sounds harsh but it is true)

4. The lawyers do not love or know your children either and while you may be paying them hundreds of dollars an hour your custody hearing is NOT the most important thing in their life. Often they will do the best they can for you and zealously advocate on your behalf but when the hearing is over they are going home to their family

5. Judges do not like it when parents attack each other. It demonstrates an immaturity on the part of the parent and makes it less likely the judge will rule in your favor

6. If you and your ex-partner are appearing without having a lawyer represent you be quiet and LISTEN TO THE JUDGE. Answer the questions

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