by Geraldine Moorkens Byrne

Created on: September 23, 2009

The ability to have a healthy romantic relationship can elude many of us, not because we are unlovable or unattractive but because we simply do not know how it should be done.

We have learned neither how to behave towards others nor what behaviour we should expect in return. Our lessons in relationships have been gleaned from our own failures, the opinions and expectations of friends and family and of course, the glib self-help sound bites of modern gurus. From this confusing emotional landscape we are expected to make a safe and well governed country. For most of us this translates into simply throwing ourselves at each new relationship in a kamikaze act of hope; maybe this time it' will all magically become clear, everything will work out.

And all too often it does not - but it can be different. The following is my entirely unscientific diagnosis of success in romance, based on personal experience and the nearly endless mistakes I've made in this area.

Successful romantic relationships are based on several key factors; the first of which is your own attitude towards life. Until you are clear about your own goals, your own values, you cannot hope to meet someone who suits you. Your relationship with your future partner begins with understanding what you want, what you believe, what is important to you - rather than looking to another person to provide meaning in life.

Similarly, one needs a clear idea of what one wants in a relationship. My marriage would not suit any of my friends, but suits me perfectly. Relationships vary wildly, from two independent souls spending plenty of time apart to couples who do everything together; there is no point pursuing a relationship with someone whose idea of intimacy is diametrically opposed to yours.

Successful relationships do not require that couples share every taste and past-time - we all know the adage that opposites attract - but in my experience they do require a basic similarity in some areas - mainly morality, life experience, future hopes and outlook.

To explain; firstly, in terms of morality two people can hold completely different religious beliefs, or none at all, but share a common moral outlook. They will treat people in a certain way, have similar standards of honesty and integrity.

Where life experience is concerned, successful relationships require an equality that cannot exist between one very experienced person and one who has never really lived. In the end the latter will outgrow and resent the former.

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