by christina christou

Created on: September 20, 2009

Helping children deal with grief and loss

When there has been a loss in the family, unfortunately the children become the forgotten grievers. As children do not grieve in the same way as adults, their behaviour may go unnoticed and misdiagnosed as either indifference or bad behaviour. Children exhibit different behaviours at different ages and knowing what to look for can be helpful in helping children deal with grief and loss.

0 - 2 years

Babies and toddlers are not emotionally developed enough to understand the concept of death. When a parent or caregiver leaves the room a baby may cry as if they believe that the parent/caregiver is never coming back. But in time a toddler if given reassurance and proof that the parent will come back, for example, when the parent goes to work and leaves them with a carer and later returns, the child expects the parents to return.

Eventually the toddler may start looking for their loved one, especially if the person who has died was a primary care giver. The sleeping patterns may change and they will tend to respond to the emotions of the other carer. They will use comfort objects more such as teddy bears, soothers and blankets.

2- 6 years

It is wise to ask the child what their understanding of death is before you begin to tell your child of the loss of their loved one. Sometimes adults assume that children know more than they do. Once you have a better understanding of the level of their understanding you can explain the loss on their level.

The likely emotional responses are excessive crying, or anger expressed through play. They may feel anxiety when faced with day to day routine separation. Likely behaviour may be clingy behaviour, nightmares, refusing to go to school or regressive behaviour. The child may become preoccupied with health and ask if the loved one was ill.

6-12 years

At this age children understand the permanence of death, but they may start to make stories in their head that they were responsible for the death of their loved one. They need to be given opportunity to ask questions and you need to be as honest as possible. If you do not know the answer or find it difficult to answer, then it is best to say that you don't know than make up something. Children may feel anxious about dying themselves, or about other loved ones dying. They may deny their own feelings to protect other's feelings. They may have nightmares and fear the dark.

12 years +

Older children may show some more challenging behaviour and

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