by Zachary Belins

Created on: September 20, 2009

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Dear Santa Claus,

This year, I have been extremely...

That's to say, I've...

Well, there were these...

Yeah, I've been pretty bad. But wait! I plead the sixth! Where is my trial by jury? Who made you the arbiter of right and wrong? Personally, I believe that since the US Constitution says that I cannot be deprived of property without due process of law, and since there's a lot of loot at stake here, I feel that my fundamental rights have been violated.

Also, I am more a victim than anything! My enemies have taken it upon themselves to destroy my reputation through slander and libel, tarnishing my good name with contemptible falsehoods. My own lawyer suggested that I cop an insanity plea! Don't think that this means I'm not duly represented, I have more than a pro bono attorney now; my dad will be representing me, and you can be sure that the judge will have children who suffer a similar plight to my own. Oh, he'll understand and sympathize with me. What judge or jury could identify with a fat old man who flies around one night a year to give presents to the allegedly good children and lumps of coal to the bad ones?

Therefore, knowing that my victory is assured and I will sue you for everything you have, you old coot, I'm giving you a chance to get out of this messy lawsuit with enough to at least pay your elves (though I understand they work for pennies on candy canes). My demands are thus: I want everything enclosed in my Christmas lists (separated into two volumes, alphabetizes, cross-indexed, and with appendixes of accessories), I want Susie to get a "slushball-in-a-box", similar to a jack-in-the-box except instead of a hideously disfigured mutant clown popping up, a slushball hits her face in excess of ninety miles per hour. I also want a certain elementary school blown off the face of the Earth, and another bully to get the wedgie of his life. Please don't skimp on those last two, I know about your elite unit of elf assassins, as well as the NPMC (North Pole Military Coalition), which is well-known for its extensive bomber division. Also, I want my record to be expunged of any supposed wrong-doings on my part, and the slander that has been directed at me is to be forgotten as well.

If you meet all these demands, I'll make sure you never see the inside of a courtroom. Of course, if you don't, I'll dedicate my life to destroying you and your precious empire.

Merry Christmas,

Calvin

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