by Jennifer Miller

Created on: September 19, 2009   Last Updated: September 20, 2009

Cats vs. Dogs

"Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get eight cats to pull a sled through snow." - Jeff Valdez

"You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you this look that says, "My God, you're right! I never would've thought of that!" - Dave Barry

The Great Debate

Discussions abound over the relative merits of cats versus dogs. However, the cats and dogs are innocent parties to the dispute; when cat people are ragging on canines, it soon becomes obvious that the true objects of their scorn are dog owners, not the dogs themselves, and vice versa. Dog people profess to be baffled by the cat person's affection for an animal that provides so little active amusement. Because cats can't be trained to do the same tricks that dogs do, they are considered to be less intelligent, and because they are not by nature as social as dogs, they are seen as comparatively aloof or indifferent. Dog people think cat people are suckers for doting on sneaky, selfish creatures that only pretend to like people in order to get food and other goodies and that will never jump into a raging, flood-swollen river to rescue a small child at the risk of their own lives, as the faithful hound supposedly will.

Cat people heap contempt on dog people for actually thinking that a dog's devotion counts for much. They claim that a dog's love for its owner is entirely instinctual, indiscriminate, and often unearned by its object; you are not loved for yourself but for the position you assume in the dog's life - anyone else would do as well. Therefore, dog owners must be so desperate for love as to be nearly undeserving of it. The willingness of dogs to learn tricks is a result not of their intelligence but of their dopey eagerness to please. That cats can't be bothered to sit or heel on command is, their champions insist, a sign that they are far more clever.

Cat people say: "A cat's love feels like a true gift, but a dog's love makes you feel like sloppy seconds (ewww!).

Dog people respond: "Cats never love you; they just use you for whatever they need and then wander off for the day and eat your neighbors' food, too."

CP: "Cats will play with you when they want to."

DP: "Which just shows that the cat owns you, not the other way around."

CP: "Cats don't leave turds in the backyard for you to step on; they carefully deposit them in the flower beds and cover them up."

DP: "Nope, cats leave them in your shoes, drawers, or any place where they know you'll be walking first thing

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